Autism and Christmas

Hello everyone. Today I wanted to talk about Christmas and how me having autism effects my feelings about it. Now as always this is just my perspective and is not true for everyone with autism. I have autistic friends who love Christmas and the lights and the sounds but for me its not that fun.

One thing i hate more than anything else is the unknown. I struggle to do things if i do not know enough information. With holidays like Christmas I can feel nervous as it is very relaxed. I have no clue what time I will need to be awake at. I don't know what I will be doing in the day time. There are no scheduled times for eating. How much social interaction do i need to partake in to not be seen as rude and antisocial. Will someone try to hug me. These are all questions I have on my mind but I know that there is no simple answer. For the simple reason being some things cannot be predicted and when you have as big a family as my own there are too many variables. Anything could happen and that frightens me.

My sensory issues always have a field day around the time of Christmas as there are so many lights and sound. It can feel overwhelming and exhausting. Why must people put up bright, obnoxious lighting that are disorientating and migraine inducing. Even for a neurotypical person it must start to get a bit much to deal with. And don't get me started on the fire work crazed hooligans whom all seem to reside in my local area. Everything seems to be cause for celebration to them and when actual holidays come around they go insane. All hours of the night loud explosions can be heard. It makes me feel utterly homicidal.

I also hate the thought of any focus going on myself. It makes me feel nervous and jumpy. I worry that i will do or say the wrong thing. What if i upset someone. What if i freak out and everyone looks at me. So at times something simple such as opening a present can feel like you are trying to defuse a bomb infront of a live studio audience.

So this is my blog post telling you about all things i hate about Christmas. I hope you enjoyed it.

I HATE Holidays

So as you might have been able to tell from either the title or how much i love to whine about it. I HATE the holidays. I absolutely hate them. You go from having a busy but well balanced week to suddenly not having anything to do. Your sense of time is out of whack. I cant really remember what day it is. Everything is just merging together in a cycle of sleeping and messing around on my laptop. I could have been like this for months for all i realize. The whole world could collapse and i would not notice. Any attempt to make plans usually does not work out well on my part as im terrible at communicating with people so i will arrange to do something then completely forget to tell anyone about my plans. I am a professional now at hastily packing a bag and managing to forget every item of actual importance bar my laptop. I could have no clean clothes or binders but as long as i have my laptop im fine. My whole life is on my laptop. I play games, i read, write, anxiously stare at Facebook waiting for someone to reply to my constant streams of messages but mostly just watch netflix or youTube.

I am already counting down the days until the holiday is over. Why can't humans hibernate over winter then i could this done with a lot quicker. But knowing my insomnia i would probably just be one of the few humans to wander the earth as the world sleeps. So anyway i hope you enjoyed todays blog post. See Ya!!!

The Rebellious Teen years of the Classical Music Enthusiast

Being a teenager can be tough. It is a time of discovery and opportunities. It is a time to explore your inner self. Many teens go through a time of rebellion where they suddenly become interested in black clothes and punk music.

Now I myself did not go through that phase. Oh no. With me something very different happened. I turned into a pretentious douche bag. I often sat sulking in the corner listening to Bach or Schubert reading long and often quite drab books such as war and peace. I was a snob and looked down at others i viewed as having a lesser intelligence. I often walked with an air of confidence and snobbery. I took every opportunity to show off how i was so very much different to those around me. I had the audacity to wonder why people did not like me. Looking back now I can see why my peers tended to avoid me. I know that my present self would have sneered at such an atrocity. I truly was a bit of a bastard. Too caught up in my own  grandiose.

Anyway i hope you enjoyed me regaling you with the stories of my younger self.  Thank you and Goodbye.

Sleepless nights for a troubled teen

So you may have noticed that I have not made a post in a while. Don't worry I did not forget about you it's just every time I sat down to write a post I could not get the words to flow. They were there sitting, waiting to be released but it was like they being held back. Trapped behind a wall. I have noticed that about a lot of things lately. I use masks and deception as a coping strategy. I can often look and appear fine but really on the inside I am tearing myself apart. This can be a huge problem as usually it means that i often do not get the help I need.

Recently for me my past has been a huge problem. It is not something I can escape. Nightmares and flashbacks are becoming a common part of my day. The smallest of things can set me off. Little reminders of the past. Now this would be a whole lot easier if i knew what these triggers where and I could just try my hardest to avoid them. But of course life is never that simple. You see the thing is I do not know what could set me off. I am a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. And when that happens it is often violent. Now i am not a violent person in nature. In fact i utterly abhor the harming of another human being or creature. But I have no such qualms about myself. I am very well versed in different manors of self inflicted destruction. Drinking too much, cutting, smoking away my limited lung capacity, engaging in risky and often provocative behavior and starving my already weakened body. Now all of this adds up to a lot of problems both mentally and physically. I am not sure how much abuse my body can take before it gives up.

Now i'm sorry for such a depressing post. I promise you next time it will be much more cheerful but for now. So long and good night.

When sound turns to blades

The moment when you feel trapped in a room and you can hear every little sound. Everything is loud and with every sound comes more pain and more sickness. It is horrible and It can make me feel like I can never be 'normal'. That I cannot do so much because of my sensory issues. I hate it. It makes me feel weak and small. So close to screaming out. The pain overwhelming your very being. You see pain in not new to me, nor is it something I will ever get used to. Sometimes the worst feelings are the small ones. The sick feeling in your stomach, the dull throb of a headache, the breathes getting caught in your thought. This is what truly defeats me.

Why are people so obsessed with my Genitals?

If I had a pound for every time someone asked me if i had a vagina then I could afford to move to my own private island and avoid all those annoying questions.

I simply do not understand why people think it is appropriate to ask about someones Genitals. It seems insane. Why do people believe they have the right to ask such intrusive questions. Only just today I was hounded by a complete stranger asking me if had a vagina. I have no idea why this person did that but what felt worse to me was that no else reacted while i was stalked by this pervert. We as a society really need to change if we can simply stand by as someone is being hounded. It is utterly horrible.

It is not just the Transgender community that gets effected by things like this. Anyone can get targeted. We need to be strong and stick together to destroy the bigoted people of the world.

I am sorry that this blog post is not up to as high a quality as usual but i just wanted to tell you about this while it is still fresh in my mind.

Sometimes life gets too much

So last week was a very exhausting week for me and it all came to a climax on Saturday night. Now before i tell you all about that i should probably explain what led up to this meltdown.

Stress. And a lot of it. Anxiety is to me the worst mental illness you can get. Now i know i have confused a lot of people because surely anxiety is not that bad. I mean i myself have a lot of mental health problems including Psychosis which many people regard as being quite serious and the absolute worst you can get but really I do not believe that. Sometimes I actually love hallucinating. Its not always bad, sometimes my hallucinations are funny and insightful. Other times i feel like I am getting a completely different perspective of the world with added commentary included. Really anxiety is worse for me because i get physical symptoms. With depression you can get tired and loose your appetite but its tolerable. With anxiety however you can feel every beat of your heart. You feel faint, and nauseous. The amount of times i have been in the middle of doing something and I am suddenly hit with a wave of sickness and I have to rush to make it to a bathroom in time. Sometimes i even have to induce vomiting to get the horrible feeling to go away. Now usually if you go to a member of staff at school saying you have just been sick they usually advise you go home, rest up and come back when you are feeling better. But if i did that then i would never be at school.

Anxiety also means you can feel insecure about asking for help. There have been several occasions where I have been at school, in class, and i feel sick, i am hyperventilating and i can see black dots dance before my eyes. But of course my dear friend anxiety, whom got me in this situation in the first place has made it so I am unable to get a word out edge ways for fear that I would get in trouble for disrupting the class.

So yeah anxiety sucks. But know it is time for me to tell you about the fateful events of one Saturday evening.

So I wake up that morning all well knowing that i have plans for that evening and chores I had to do that day. But my other lovely friend Depression decides for me that no. I will not do my chores and I will not get ready for the evening. Instead I lay in bed watching walking dead that made an other of my oh so amazing friends turned up. This time it was Paranoia. Now i know better than to feed this little creature but sometimes I cannot help it. There are so many different triggers that honestly it feels like i am trying to find a piece of hay in a needle stack. Now I know the usual saying is needle in a haystack but honestly that is for too nice. Now I love watching Walking dead but then i descend into a downward spiral worrying about what would happen if a zombie apocalypse were to really happen. I mean I know I would never survive, I am a picky autistic vegetarian with as much knowledge on fighting as a teaspoon. And i may be no teaspoon but I am guessing it is no firearms expert. Then I of course have Adrian at the door telling me to get on with my chores. So I get started, work hard for 5 or so minutes then get bored. Not my fault. I never remember my ADHD meds. I mean i would need my medication to remember my medication. It is a vicious circle that usually meant i never seem to remember my medication. So after a couple of hours i have finally 'finished' my chores. Well more or less.

Now it is time to get ready to go out. Of course I am now chucking clothes all over my room desperately trying to find clean clothes. Apparently it is not suitable to turn up in the same jeans i have been wearing for weeks on end. By then my anxiety was through the roof. Trying to get anything done at that point seemed futile. I shoved my headphones and a couple of books in my bag before going in the shower. I was only in twenty minutes so i did not have the time to actually get clean. I put my music on and messed around, when suddenly i was told to get out the shower. I mean usually my showers can last over an hour. I just love relaxing in the shower.  Now after my shower me and my sister Iona were told to look after our baby sister Clara. Well it was mainly Iona, but me and Clara did have some great fun dancing to MCR.

So after all that we were all directed towards the car and that is when everything truly went to hell. Everyone was fighting. I was sitting in the back of the car, stressed out and blasting music. We slowly made ourselves into the center of town to start our search of finding a parking space which considering the christmas lights were bring turned on. The place was packed. This of course made me freak out. That and the fact that for some stupid reason the people of perth are obsessed with fireworks equaled a nervous wreck that was at some point me. We got out the car and slowly made our way to our destination. A french restaurant. The only way i could describe would be Atlanta in the Walking Dead. It was insane. For all those that do not know what i mean. Google it. Specifically the scene where Rick Grimes is trapped in a tank.

So after all that havoc. We made it to the restaurant. Where i proceeded to have a meltdown and lock myself in the toilet. I then shouted and swore at people like the elegant person I am and sobbed my eyes out. Of course that must have been a great spectacle to see. I am now realizing how long this blog post and will attempt to quickly find a resolution to this story. Or i could not as really there is no end to this story as i am still living it. So for now so long and goodbye.

Self Harm and Me

Hello All. So recently I have been struggling a lot. With Self Harm. Now I know how taboo it is to talk about such a subject but to me it is important to be open about our struggles.

Self harm is something that on others I would try anything to make sure they know that I care and that hurting is not the right answer but to myself self harm is the only answer. And yes I am a huge hypocrite but i hate to see other people in pain. I deserve my pain, but i do not believe that other people deserve pain.

These wounds and scars are not beautiful. They never will be. They are physical manifestations of the pain I am feeling inside. Self Harm has been romanticized for far too long. One simple search  on tumblr and you will see black and white images of cuts with dramatic quotes written by angsty teens. No one will kiss your scars and tell you your scars are beautiful. That does not happen in real life. In real life people look at you with pity and disgust. They wonder how you could do something like that to your body. Please fight to stop this from happening. It can be very harmful to yourself and other people to post images of self harm. I am not saying you cannot post photos of your scars but not wounds. I have had many a friend have these pictures used against them and they can now never escape their past.

If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm, please get help. Thank you for reading. Stay Safe.

Fireworks and Meltdowns

Ah Bonfires Night. Or as I like to call it. One long meltdown. I HATE fireworks with a vengeance. They are loud, bright and incredibly dangerous. They make me have completely shut down. I have meltdowns, panic attacks and flashbacks to those horrible memories of my drunk 'father' attempting to light fireworks and it all going horribly wrong. For some reason every year on the fifth of November and of course the days before and after a lot of the time, there are always a lot of people insisting on having their own display. That in itself is okay but it is when you have several of them going of in the same vicinity it can make it sound like an air raid is going off outside your house.Which is very distressing for a lot of people and animals. I myself know that i am not the only person that suffers this time of the year as i have talked to people who are also suffering. It is good to know I am not alone but I cannot help but have this deep seated anger at all of the fireworks that make my feel such panic. Hopefully it wont be happening all night and I can finally get some rest. I am very much looking forward to when this is all over.

Will I ever get a break..?

Hello all. My life has always been very busy and full of drama. There is always something going on. Be it fights, illness, annoying children or just plain old havoc. I do not know why my life is like this but I have never known it to be any other way. Does anyone really have a drama free life? or is this something everyone goes through? Well I really do not know. As much fun as chaos can be it is dreadfully tiresome. I never know what to expect on a day by day basis. Will some random crazy event usually reserved for sitcoms and day time television struck me in my wake or will I shuffle around paranoid that some crazy event will infact happen.

Maybe chaos is my calm. To be honest with you I would never exchange my life for that of a quite vanilla life. I guess I will just have to get on with life. Thank you and Goodbye.

An open Letter to my Abusive 'Father'

It has been a few years since me and my family left you and quite honestly it has been the best decision we have ever made. You had the chance to be a good father figure, but you blew it away. Now after all this time you are still trying to abuse the power you believe you still have over me. You are still attempting to contact me. Do you really think I am that still that naive child that cowered away from your fists. That still held a small belief and hope that you really did love us. I know now that you never did care for us at all. While you were wasting away your life on drugs and alcohol, we were trapped in a cold house, starving and isolated from any form of humanity. To scared to speak out against you. Leaving us for days at a time as I pretended to be strong for my sister, As i sobbed my eyes out hiding in my room. I worked hard to protect my sister. I stole for her, I held her while you screamed. I however failed to keep her safe. You still turned her into a frightened little girl, scared of the world. For that I will always despise you for. Hurting me I can put up with but to hurt her is truly despicable. Thankfully she has grown strong. She is a warrior and she refuses to be defeated.

I guess the only reason you are attempting to contact me is because you are weak. You are grasping at straws. You no longer have the power you used to have. You are nothing. You are alone and you always will be.

See you in Hell bitch.

Overthinking Life and Existential Crisis

Hi. Have you ever had a moment where you suddenly wonder what would happen if your best friend suddenly died? or if you suddenly went blind? or if you accidentally killed someone? Well I have. Whenever my head is left to wander I always end up in this crazy spiral of going over insane incidents that are likely never to happen. They leave me anxious and paranoid about everything. I have incessant needs to check all possible entry points of the room I am in and am constantly worrying about those important to me. It sends me into a nervous wreck. Now I actually have quite bad paranoia as it is. I hate having my back to a door encase someone sneaks up on me, I worry every time I leave the house that I will get attacked  and I hate it when the doorbell rings because I have no clue who is there. All of this makes me honestly surprised that I can appear somewhat functioning in everyday life let alone actually leaving the house. But these crazy psychotic wanderings in life. They scare me. To realize that I have the power of life and death. I could kill someone. I don't think I would but I could.

So am I the only person? I do not know.To be honest I may just be a crazy psychopath.

At this point you are either thinking about how relatable this is or are now thinking that i am an utter lunatic. Well yes I am an utter lunatic but I make a pretty decent cup of tea.

Tiring Life

Have you ever had a day where no matter what you did you would end up exhausted?
Well for me it is usually on a Monday. After the weekend my body clock is completely off. Everything makes me tired. Part of the struggles of Autism for me is a constant state of Jet lag. It is horrible and I never really get over it. Each day has it's own different set of events and sudden changes and random events can make everything worse. For example if you are suddenly told that you are doing something when you had something different planned it can make you nervous. Like today when I got back home I was asked if I could go to the shops. Of course me being me, I said yes. I love going to the shop. Its my one time where I have freedom and I can blast my music and take a quick stop at the park for a swing and a run. It makes me feel happy. But after a long day of school planning to get home and mess around on my laptop it was change. Change to me is not good. It makes me nervous. I often end up having fun but it's still different and it makes me tired. So yeah. I don't know if you experience this too. If so then please feel free to share. I would love to find out more about how people cope with life. Everyone has their own thing. For me it is Music. When im stressed I love to play music and completely disconnect from the world. Thanks Sam.

Procrastination and my life.

Ok so as a professional procrastinator i put off writing this post for a couple of days and watched Netflix. Procrastination is a huge part of my life. Its my way of 'coping'. I distract myself hoping that all my problems will go away. Generally they don't. That does not stop me though. I know that I have stuff to do but sometimes I just want to take the easy option and to not care. Its not something I want to do. I wish that I had the motivation to do things but generally the fear of messing up stops me. That's a huge problem for me. Sometimes I am soo scared that I will mess up that i start to avoid life. For example this year in school I am doing Physics. You see I love Physics but because of college i end up missing half my classes. The fear that I will fail and that I won't be able to get a qualification out of it is a huge fear. Now I did talk to someone at my school about this but they told me not to worry about exams and to just attend it for the fun. The thing is I cannot. I cannot just not worry. I want to get National 5 in Physics. I cannot just do something for fun. I want to get something out of this. I am scared that I wont be able to keep up. That along with Chemistry, maths, I.T and college i will burn up and be an utter wreck by the end of the year. That I will push myself to hard. Ok enough on that.

You see I will stop worrying. It's one of the constants in my life. I worry so much that I distract myself with reading or playing games or watching Netflix. I know that I need to sort my life out but I do not know how. Maybe one day I will wake up and not freak out about every small detail of the day ahead. Unlikely but who knows.

Oh god spell check went insane writing this. Why must words be so hard.  

Amazing Day at the Safari Park

Hello all. Today has been amazing and I wanted to share it all with you. Today was a school trip to Blair Drummond Safari Park. I was initially very nervous but I managed to calm myself down on the bus journey over. The night before I made myself an amazing lunch.It's fair to say that I had barely any sleep last night.

I woke up this morning and started rushing around trying to get dressed[Black Corduroy, shirt and a Sons of Anarchy t shirt.] For once in my life I was not rushing out the door 5 minutes after waking up but infact ended up waiting a good ten minutes. Well done Sam, you have amazing time management skills. Hahaha no. A taxi then a bus journey later I finally arrived at the park. Well one of the buses did. The other missed a turning and we had to wait for them.  As soon as they got there though i rushed off. I wanted to do everything at once and was a little bit hyper. I wandered around for a bit, had some lunch and made friends with a llama called Jeff. Well thats his name now. I did something i never thought i would by going on the flying fox not once but twice. Considering im scared of heights and large bodies of water im kinda impressed.
Well yeah I had a great day. Sorry this post is not very good. I am very tired and i can't seem to english very well today.

College, Appointments and Passing out.

Hey! I have had a really busy week so far. I have been doing a lot of coding for a website I am making. I will never end up posting it online but for me coding is a great form of stress relief. It can also be incredibly stressful. This week I was stressing out about my appointment at Sandyford. I was really nervous because this is a huge thing to me and I did not want to mess it up. All this stress was not good for me. I struggled to eat and was getting very little sleep. It was on Thursday that all this madness caught up with me and I ended up passing out. Thankfully I am now feeling a lot better and I am making sure that I take better care of myself.

Friday was very busy. I had college, CAMHS and sandyford in one day. College was amazing and i got through it without having a panic attack. That to me was a huge achievement as the week before was quite stressful for me. After college it was time to go to CAMHS. That was a short appointment for my ADHD meds. Then it was the oh so fun journey through to Glasgow. Thankfully I had the joyful entertainment of Adrian singing along to Halsey. The appointment was amazing and I left feeling much better about myself and my transition. It was also my last appointment for the assessment part of my time with Sandyford. My mum and Adrian have an appointment and then there will be an appointment to discuss everything that has happened in the assessment and my next steps. I am so happy that I am now further towards my dream and goal of starting testosterone. A couple of years ago all of this would have been an impossible future for me. I thought that I would never be able to be who I was. That I will forever be pretending to be someone that I was not.  I want to thank everyone that has been there supporting me along the way. It may not have been easy but thank you.

"How are you?"

This one question may or may not mean something to you. It is confusing to me as i am never entirely sure if they really want to know or are just using it as a casual remark. Really when people ask me how I am I just say I am okay. Really it feels like a universal response. You tell people you are okay but really you might be feeling depressed or are panicking over trying to appear like an average calm person rather than the frantic mess that you feel inside. So when someone is genuinely interested in how someone is feeling it can be often dismissed.

It is quite upsetting to me that in this world we still feel insecure about how we feel. We are too scared that someone will judge us for being an outcast, for being different that we forget that really everyone feels just like that. Everyone has their insecurities that they work hard to hide. I try and cover up any hyper activeness or mania i have for fear of being judged. Fearing the mere possibility of getting judged. Of having someone think they know me better than I do. I do not want to be told how annoying and whiny i can be as then i start freaking out that no one will like me if i have flaws. Part of me knows this is irrational but really i don't care. I'm going to accept that i am a socially awkward kid in an adults world that has utterly no clue what is going on.    

My first Day of College

So today was my first day of my college. It is a computer games design course. I am really loving it so far. I am very happy that I got on the course and am excited at the thought of learning how to program computer games. I made a special effort to look smart for my first day. With a shirt, bow tie, corduroy and purple doc martens i felt like a true nerd which i loved.

So my first day started off badly. I was nervous when i woke up and did not want to eat breakfast as i was too anxious. On the taxi ride over I was desperately trying to keep my nerves down. Stepping into the building felt amazing and different. I loved that this was the start to me learning some amazing and useful things about computer games development. So I held my head up high as i headed to the room that the course was in. Internally i was breaking down but i hope that i managed to keep a calm composure. When the class started though we were given forms to fill out and that made me panic a lot. I felt like i was trapped in a bubble and that this was the worst thing in the world. All that stress over a form. Thankfully my amazing mother darling was in the room next door hovering. She managed to calm me down and talk to my tutor whom was very understanding. I was still nervous but the knowledge that my mum was there if needs be was very comforting and i managed to get through the rest of the class. I was able to relax and take notes on everything that i felt important. I hope to do as much work as i can in my free time. I really want to make sure that i pass this course. I want to do well at this and to be able to tell myself that i did something that a few years ago i never thought possible. When i dropped out of main stream school i did not think i would get any qualifications let alone go to college. I am very proud that i managed to do this. So yeah all was well in the end. By then I was very tired but i had to go back to school where i promptly hid in the computer room to do some calming HTML.

Today has been a good day and i cannot wait until next friday.

Finally back at school.

So yesterday was my first day back at school. I would have written a blog post yesterday but as soon as i got back I fell asleep. Yesterday was busy and tiring. Really tiring. I can already tell that this is going to be a long year for me. I am not sure what my feelings are regarding it. Part of me is happy to be back at school. The other hates it. I am going to be taking exams later this year and already i am stressing out. I fear that i will not achieve as well as i hoped. I fear that i will fail. I hate talking to people about school as they do not tend to understand how much i adore learning and yet it also makes me want to hit myself over the head. I have this intense fear of messing up.

All through out my childhood I have been told that I am smart. I have learned to resent praise as it can often feel unwarranted or unnecessary. I do not like people telling me i am smart as i do not feel smart. In fact there are a lot of things i am very much lacking in intelligence.Yes i can code and i can do chemistry but i cannot take care of myself. Without prompting i can forget to eat, sleep, shower or to do much of anything really. I would be caught up in what i was doing and only realize after a couple of days that i have not slept or eaten after i pass out. So yeah i can write and i can spout out crazy random facts but really i am a human being with faults.People need to realize it is ok not to be smart. It is ok to realize that there are things that you cannot do. But we also have things we can do. We are all smart in our own unusual and unique way.

I am now 17!!!!!!!

Hello. Just a short post today. I have had an amazing 17th Birthday. I cannot believe I am already 17. it feels like yesterday i was in Primary School.

I had an amazing day out with my Grandparents. We went on a packed train through to Edinburgh. Congratulations ScotRail for only having 4 carriages on a Saturday when  the Fringe festival is on. Round of applause for that slight lack of intelligence. We went to an amazing italian restaurant called Prezzo's where I had the most amazing Spaghetti with heaps of cheese and olives on the side. Then we went and I got an amazing t-shirt from this little shop called swift. Its the Star wars one. :)

 The other two i got as presents. I ADORE the fall out boy one sooo much. And the other is one that my mums friend made. It is a galaxy print with Deathly Hallows symbols with beams of light turning into rainbows. I also got a very amazing and inappropriate Star trek card that I LOVE. If you want to see that you can message me. Then we went to the Assembly Rooms to go see a Live streaming of Benedict Cumberbatch play Hamlet.It was in the baltic...i mean the music hall cinema. It was freezing in there. In the interval I got up and danced around to warm myself up. After all that madness we got on the train back to Perth where I got my rainbow birthday cake. Today has been amazing and exhausting but at the moment I am wired on adrenaline so im not sure when i am going to sleep. So anyway, I have had an amazing time Goodnight.

How to Support the Autistic Person in your life.

Hello. Chances are you know someone with Autism. It could be a Sibling, Parent, Friend, Grandparent. Anyone really. Now just remember if you have met one person with Autism, you have only met one of the amazing, talented people out there.

People can often make the mistake that just because someone does not talk means they have nothing to say but I think that they just communicate differently. It takes a truly special person to get to see such Intelligence, because even though they cannot or struggle to talk. When they find a way to shout out their words be it painting, music, writing or any other thing really It is a true sign of bravery and Awesomeness.

One great way to Support someone with Autism is by learning about their Obsessions. Do they love Trains? A certain book? A TV show? Whatever it is learning a bit about it will help you get to know them better and you can know how to cheer them up. Taking the time to do this will be an amazing gesture as it shows you truly care. My sister actually got interested in a lot of the things that i introduced her too. She would always deny at first that she liked them but after walking in on her fangirling over JohnLock fanfiction she really could not deny it much longer. I feel happy that I have managed to get her to enjoy the stuff i do...Well mostly.Unfortunately YouTube was one of those things I introduced to her and I am afraid that it has now enveloped her life. I can only blame myself for that one.

Find out if they have any triggers you need to be careful for. you would not want to accidentally cause a meltdown. Do they have to have their sandwich cut diagonally? Do they not like loud noise? Do they have a certain routine they must adhere to? Is there anything that can calm them down if said meltdown happens? These are all important questions to ask. Just find out anything you need to know to support them.

Don't treat them differently because of it. All too many times people have found out I am autistic treat me like a child. It is very embarrassing seen as i am nearly 17. They give you sympathetic looks of 'Oh i'm so sorry you have autism.' It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable as then part of me feels the need to act younger than i am to avoid them asking questions. I am a human just like you. I want to be treated with respect. Autism does not define me. I love having Autism but there a lot of things that are just no fun.

I recommend you read the book The reason I Jump. It is written by an amazing person with Autism called Naoki Higashida.

I am hoping to write a second part to this to expand on what i have said. If there is anything else you would like to now please comment or send me a message.

Dysphoria and the Menstrual Cycle.

Ok. So I never thought I would be writing about this subject as it is a difficult one for me but I felt it best that i impart my wisdom upon you. Being a trans man sucks. It really sucks. One of the worst things that has ever happened to me would be Puberty. Now for any cisgender(Their body matches their gender) teen puberty is bad enough but what happens when you go through the puberty of the opposite gender. That makes it all the more hard. Just remember that it does not invalidate who you are. In fact going through such an ordeal makes you stronger. For me when I am struck with crippling Dysphoria(Feeling depressed that your body and mind don't match up) I like to wear my tightest binder(Compresses my chest) and baggy clothing. I hate being around people and am more prone to panic attacks. This is usually when i am on my period. When I am like this I cannot stand to look at my body. I avoid it at all costs but it is not easy. Mirrors all over the house, getting changed, cleaned these are all things that can make me feel worse. Hopefully I can go on testosterone to stop my menstrual cycle and have a male puberty. I know i will never have a good beard. God damn you genetics. Or a totally ripped body. Well that's foods fault for being soo much more appealing than exercise. Hopefully I will get a body i have dreamed for. To get top surgery to remove my chest and to not have to deal with Satans Waterfall. One day i will be free.

Depression ruins lives.

Hello. As you may have probably noticed today i am going to be talking about depression. It is not a light subject so if you find it difficult to read about Depression/Suicide then stop reading. Thank you.

So recently my depression has been horrible. It has stopped me from enjoying things that i usually love. It makes me feel lethargic and numb. It is a horrible struggle as I do not feel i am worthy of peoples affection and care. It makes me feel alone and scared. Depression is a battle so many people go through. It's not just teenagers it affects though. Adults experience depression too. It is one of the biggest killers in the world. And yet it has a huge social stigma attached to it. People do not want to talk about depression. But it is very important that we do talk about it. By talking about it we are breaking down the stigma and making it easier for people to ask for help when they need it.

If you suspect you or someone you know is suffering from Depression or Suicidal thoughts. Please get help. 

Samaritans UK

Childline UK

MentalHealth.gov USA

Teen Line USA

Suicide Hotlines for different countries

But you don't look Autistic

Sigh. When I just start liking someone and then they come up with a lovely thing like this. Tell me what does Autism look like? Please tell me because I do not know. Stereotypes can be very harmful to the autistic community. Especially those that insist on using 'functioning' labels. Everyone with Autism is different. You class us as low functioning and we are treated like small children. High functioning and people expect you to be like Rain Man or Dr Sheldon Cooper. I have said this before and I will say it again. These are not accurate representations of Autism. A problem my and my friends can sometimes get is that people see Autism as a young boy rocking in the corner reading a scientific journal and refusing to talk or make eye contact. Now I am sure that there are people like that out there but there are plenty that are not. If you have met one person with Autism, you've met one person with Autism. What may be calming for one could send someone else into a meltdown. I hate bright lights but a good friend of mine loves hiding in his room filled with fairy lights. Everyone is different.

So please tell me what does Autism look like. Why are people even concerned about this? Why cant we all just live our lives without everyone being forced into boxes.

Please Insomnia will you let me sleep.

Insomnia sucks. Especially when it is the middle of the night and you are lying in bed unable to sleep. You are exhausted and desperately trying to get as much rest as you can but still you are just lying there looking up at the ceiling like its suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. You toss and turn but really you just can't seem to get comfortable. Check the time and only 5 minutes have passed since you last checked.

I have recently been put on a medication called Circadin. It is a long-term release sleeping medication. I have reported better nights sleep on this medication. The only problem is how long it affects me. It usually lasts a long time. Probably near twelve hours and I often take my medication later than i should so i spend the morning very tired and still technically asleep as my melatonin levels are still high. It is annoying. I would take it earlier but I never remember. That and i do my best thinking at night time. Hopefully one of these days I will have a good nights sleep free from nightmares and groggy mornings.

I hate Insomnia.

Autism can make you feel alone.

Now I know I have friends and family whom I know will always be there for me, but having autism can make you feel alone and isolated even when you are surrounded by people. You miss out on things that you would otherwise have enjoyed. You can't go out with your friends without the fear of a meltdown hanging over your head. Or if you have to have your friends told to keep an eye on me. Or when you have your younger siblings treat you like a parent would a child. It can make the Teen years incredibly awkward. You are trying to grasp at straws to grow up and gain some sense of independence but it can all come crashing down when you have a panic attack because everything is getting too overwhelming. When people find out you have Autism they often treat you like you are a small child. They give you looks of sympathy and adopt a calm persona. It can be incredibly annoying if you are trying to fit in with your peers. You struggle to have people see you for who you are. They are too busy looking at autistic you, but that is only part of who you are. Now I would never get rid of my autism but some days I am just fed up of the meltdowns, of crying because something changed. I cried when facebook changed their format. I did not like the change. It seems so petty and insignificant to so many but to me that was huge. It made me confused and disorientated.

Being a Teenager sucks. Being a teenager with Autism is horrible but we need to remember how amazing and individual we are. Even if we cant do certain things or we have meltdowns in public or get treated like children. We are Special.

My crazy relationship with Food

Ok. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a crazy relationship with food. I am very picky and can often change my likes and dislikes making it very hard for people to make food for me. Usually though a good pasta is amazing. Pasta is the main part of my diet. I adore the stuff. I always have. I have always been an unusual person when it comes to food.

Vegetables. Oh how I despise them. They are the worst thing in the world. It does not help that I really don't like the colour green. Unless its Olives, The incredible Hulk or Magic Cards. This means my diet is very unhealthy and often limited to basic things you see on a kids menu. Going out to eat makes me panic. Before I go to a place i must have first researched the place, seen a copy of the current menu, emailed them for a picture of what I am wanting to get to make sure it does not have any triggers. For example excess herbs, food touching, weird looking textures, weird colours, whether its on an actual plate. I have seen pictures of people getting their food served really weird so now I freak out at the thought of eating my spaghetti out of a plant pot. I also have to have someone else make the order as when it comes the time to order the food, I freeze up and am unable to speak. My order is often complex and I often feel embarrassed and annoyed at how picky I am. I also do not like it when people feel the need to tell everyone I have autism. I understand why and I would not want it to stop but it can get tiring. You get a sudden wave of self consciousness. Which when you are already in an anxiety inducing atmosphere is not good. Thankfully I usually have my trusted headphones to put music on and ignore the world.

When I first started going to my school I lived off of Ham Sandwiches. It was the only thing I would eat. My school has proper cooked meals. And they are usually fancy and they have salad with their meals and it looks weird and healthy. I hated it. Thankfully now I have expanded my menu of food at school. I now also have pizza and macaroni cheese. So still a long way to go.

I also have a huge sugar tooth. I love puddings and sweets and have a horrible tendency to eat too much. It can be annoying to my mum as when I go to the shop i return with things I am not supposed to have gotten. She can always tell when I am lying though. I cannot lie. It is incredibly hard and people can always tell when i'm telling a fib. So not fun when you are playing two truths, one lie and everyone can tell what the lie was.

So this was my blog post all about my terrible and unhealthy eating habits.

Memory Techniques and Crazy Obsessions

My brain is a mystery. Even I have no clue what is going on half the time. I would love to show you a piece of what goes on in my head

I love having Autism. Having obsessions can make my life so much more fun. I always know what to do to cheer myself up. Watch Sherlock while eating chocolate in my comfiest set of pyjamas. To me I will always have that to fall back on. Having an obsession with Sherlock is amazing as their are a lot of books, shows, films, art....pretty much it's one of the biggest fanbase in the world. This all started when my mum read me 'The Hounds of the Baskervilles.' I was 4 at the time and thought it was amazing. I always used to dream about going to solve crimes with the Detective. It makes me happier than anything in the world.

My mind Palace. I use a memory technique that involves visualisation. I have been doing it since I was young but back then it was more of a mind flat. I only came up with the name Mind Palace after I saw it on Sherlock. I was ecstatic. Knowing that my hero used the same memory technique as me was a dream come true. Now my palace Is bigger than ever. I have a full sized laboratory, a huge library, a tiny garden as I don't really know much about gardening but I have a lot of Grass and a dozen beehives. My kitchen is well stocked with Macaroni cheese, Olives and Ham Sandwiches. I love having a cup of tea with my own little Sherlock and John. Sometimes if I am lucky Sherlock is playing his violin. I can always tell when I am going to have a bad day when I cannot find John in my mind Palace. Without John Sherlock is Manic, Rude, Depressed and has a horrible tendency to burn stuff. When a fire like that happens in my Mind Palace it is Devastating. It leaves behind a mess. I can loose memories and forgot important things like eating or sleeping. I have also experienced Floods, Meteor attacks and one particularly memorable Dragon attack.

So that was a little slice of what my head is like. I hope you enjoyed reading about it.

Ah the Asexual Life for Me

So as the title may suggest I am asexual. This means I have little to no interest in Sexual activity. That does not however mean that I don't want to date people. It just means I do not want to have sex with them. Now to a lot of people we are rarer than unicorns but we are out there. In fact it is estimated that 1% of the world is asexual.

If you are interested in learning more about Asexuality. Here are some Helpful Links:
Ask An Asexual Person: Buzzfeed

What is asexuality?

Asexuality

The Asexuality Blog

Or you could send me a message on Facebook. :)

Autism and the Older Generation

Ok so my last blog I made a point about lack of representation of Autism in Girls. Today I wanted to talk about people who are older. Now when you think of someone with Autism most people would think of a young boy but what about people who were diagnosed much later in life. Autism affects those of all ages so why won't anyone mention Older people. I mean its not just Autism that this happens with you can see it in a range of learning and developmental difficulties. I mean they are out there as well. I know a lot of amazing people who fit in that category. They need just them same help and caring that children get but people are often dismissive. So today I would like you all to make a vow to be kinder to the older generation. Visit that Grandparent you haven't seen in awhile. Do some volunteering and Generally just aim to be a better person. :)

Autism in Media and Why are they all male?

Ok so chances are you have come across an autistic character while watching telly, a film
or reading a book. My question is how accurate are they.

Oh Rain Man. How much I hate you. Sometimes when I tell people I am Autistic I get
the annoying reply of 'Oh so like Rain Man'. No not at all like Rain Man. He does not have
 Autism but Savant Syndrome. Google: Savant Syndrome

And of course we cannot have a post about Autism in Media without mentioning
Sheldon Cooper. Now yes he does have a lot of the well known trademarks of Autism.My
problem with the character is that he is portrayed as incredibly rude and narcissistic. I do not
like the way he treats people or the way that people treat him. Having autism does not make
you rude. Unfortunately a lot of people see his arrogance as a trait of autism it is not. I mean yes there are a lot of people with Autism who can be quite rude but he is just downright horrid to his friends. He belittles their intelligence and manipulates them into doing what he wants. Now it may be different for others but to me I do not want such a bad light shined on Autism.

Abed from Community. I love the show Community. I feel that the portrayal of Abed from
Community is an Amazing portrayal of Asperger's. He is friendly, has an obsession with Pop
culture which makes a lovely change from the usual more scientific based obsessions we see portrayed, awkward and all together a pretty loveable character.

Sherlock Holmes. More specifically the version portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch.
Now for me a problem is in the episode 'Hound of the Baskervilles' Where John states that Sherlock has aspergers. Now when I first saw that I was ecstatic. The thought of my favourite character having Aspergers too was amazing but what I did not like was that they just left it at that. They did not delve into it further or have John and Lestrade properly discuss Autism. I mean it could have been a HUGE moment in recognition and awareness for the Autistic community but instead it was awkward and cringe worthy to just have them throw around a diagnosis like that.Ok I am going to end that rant before it gets out of hand. So whether he is Autistic or not does not matter.

Adam 'Lines in the Sand' House. What I loved about this character was that they were non-verbal.He is very 'low-functioning' (I do not believe in Functioning Labels but that is what I found on the Wiki article)House Md: Adam Kelvey, unable to speak, a very strict routine and is usually unresponsive to external stimuli . You do not get many portrayals of non-verbal characters so this was a plus for me.

Another HUGE problem I have with the portrayal of autism is that they are
pretty much all male. Where are all the Autistic Girls in Media?

My first appointment at Sandyford.

Wow. So today just happened. I am very tired and excited by how well the appointment went. I got woken up at six in the morning to go through to Glasgow. It was a long journey but worth it. When we got there we discovered we were 50 minutes early so went round the corner to a little restaurant and ordered coffee. Well Mum, Ade and Ailsa all got something. I sat there awkwardly the whole time.

Finally though it was time for my appointment. I felt sick with nerves but really it was a lot more relaxed than I thought it would be. I was asked about my family, hobbies, school and my gender identity and when I came out as trans. I was also asked what I wanted to get out of going to Sandyford. I told them that I wanted to medically transition to male by taking Testosterone and having top surgery. I had Adrian in with me so the whole experience was a lot better. It was an hour long but it did not feel like it at the time. I am really looking forward to my next appointment. Thankfully I will not have as much nerves coming up to the next appointment as I know what to expect.

Then we went to IKEA the land of Flat pack furniture and Meatballs. That was hectic to say the least. Horrible, loud and busy. The only good thing about it was getting lunch. Gotta love those Swedish Meatballs. Then we left the hustle and bustle of IKEA to visit my uncle Tam. He had just woken up as he had a night shift at his work last night. It was good seeing him though. After all that we started the long drive home where everyone but Adrian fell asleep. So that was my crazy day. I cannot believe it happened. Now I want to go to sleep.

CAMHS, Toddlers and Madness

So today has been a very long day. I started it off by walking over to CAMHS for my appointment. At first the appointment did not turn out well. I was nervous and Ailsa was being an utter pain. She was tired and hungry.That made me nervous. Once she had left the appointment went rather well. I managed to talk to the Dr and discuss my medication. I also got prescribed sleeping meds. Hopefully they will work.

Then after the appointment we went on a search for somewhere to get lunch. That was horrible. We first went to a restaurant and it looked amazing, but Ailsa wanted pancakes. Then we walked over to Sandemans by the cinema.....and mum got a call from the bank because she dropped her card and someone had handed it in. While my mum was getting her card back I went to Waterstones and got a book. The Enemy by Charlie Higson. Its one of my favourite series of books and I am hoping to get the rest of the series soon. *Wink* Wink* Umm my birthday is coming up if anyone wants to become my bestest friend. Then we wandered around until we reached a Bakery. I got a Macaroni pie, a doughnut and some fanta. Then I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, By that point i felt like an extra on Walking Dead. Then finally I walked home and hid in my bed. So I hope you found my mad day interesting. Bye Sam

Meltdowns, Crying and Exhaustion

Meltdowns. They are exhausting and generally there's a lot of crying and screaming involved. Well at least there is for me. My little sister Ailsa is the same. When she has Meltdowns it's enough to nearly give me a meltdown as I hate loud noises. It's a horrible domino effect in my house. Of course that is of course when my littler sister Clara gets woken up and joins in on the general screamfest. Generally my house is loud and chaotic. My ear defenders are my best friend. I put them on and ignore the world all while listening to my favourite music. I used to hate showers but ever since I moved into our current house I have loved them and usually have two showers a day. Of course I have music playing then as well.

For me the worst time to have a Meltdown is in public. I fear the looks people give me. Like i have suddenly burst into song and dance, but not very well. It's a look of confusion and at times awkwardness.
So if you see someone that is potentially having a meltdown. Remember these important rules.

1. Give them space
2. Be calm and careful if you approach them
3. Unless they are danger of hurting themselves or others ask before touching them. It could make them feel more panicked
4. Know that it is not your fault and you are not to blame.

Ok so that ends my helpful advice for today. If you have any more helpful advice then you can comment or send me a quick message. Bye Sam.

Introverts Guide to Making Friends

Ok so would you rather sit inside all day instead of going into town? Have you been happy when people cancel plans? Then you are an Introvert.

Making friends is hard enough if you are not an introvert. But if you are then it just makes everything worse. You may want to make friends and hang out with them but the thought of leaving the house gives you anxiety.

A good way to start making friends is to make sure that you don't pick the wrong people. It may feel like you need to cling on to the first person who is nice to you but to make you friends you need to just be yourself. Don't change who you are for other people, you may not like the person you turn into. Make friends with people who accept your quirks and general awkwardness.

Say Hello. If you want to start up a conversation. Start by saying this. I know what you are thinking, how obvious it is start with Hello. Well the amount of times I started talking to someone and I just let out everything i had on my mind. That usually results in some strange looks as they try and get away from such an awkward one-sided conversation.

Find out if there are any interesting Clubs or Groups in your area you could go to. Its a great way to start a conversation and meet new people. If not well you can just go along for the fun of it.

The internet is a great way of making friends, but you have to be careful. You never know who you could come across. It can be a great way of meeting new people or you could just look up memes on tumblr.

If none of what I said helped try this WikiHow article. WikiHow: Make Friends As an Introvert
If that did not work. Well you can always get a cat.

Noise,Lights and Sensory Triggers

I swear that Shops must be designed to confuse, disorientate and generally give whomever walks in a headache. You get the bright lights, the reflective flooring that squeaks when you walk on it and loud beeping and scanning of items.Oh yes and the screaming toddler on the other side of the shop that somehow you can still here. All and all it's my worst nightmare. Well only if you add in killer Clowns and Bigoted people. But thankfully i don't bump into Killer Clowns at my local tesco, I cannot say the same about the Bigots.

Today I am going to write up some simple hints to survive a trip to the shops.

          Wear

• Headphones
• Sunglasses

        Remember 

• Breathe
• Stay Calm
• Make a list of what you need so you can just go in and grab it. Of course remembering to Pay.
• If you need to Take a friend with you
• To bring along anything that calms you down. 
• Invest in fidget toys to give you something to fiddle with from either Fidget Shop or Amazon
• If all else fails Online Shopping is your best friend

Ok so I hope that you enjoyed reading this and maybe found some helpful advice. If you have anything you want me to talk about next please comment and I will work hard to write it for you, Thanks Sam.

"Are you a Boy or a Girl?"

Ah that lovely question I get asked all the time. Trust me when I say how tiresome it gets. You are just trying to mind your own business when someone comes up wondering what Gender you are. But really they are not looking to know my gender but My Sex. A lot of people seem to get confused between the two.Now let me get one thing straight. Sex does not equal Gender. Sex is between your Legs. Gender is in your head.

This is the Genderbread Person. The Genderbread person is a good example but it is not perfect. You see Gender is not a line but a spectrum quite like this colour wheel. You could be any colour on this wheel. Sometimes your colour will change or it could stay the same. People might not see your true colour. They might call you Blue but you feel more purple. The only person who can tell what colour you are is you.

Now for some reason the world seems to be obsessed with peoples Genitals. Why can't we all just get along and stop worrying about what is in someone's pants. Now go of and be happy my little Rainbow children.

I Hate the Summer Holidays

I hate the Summer Holidays. It has only been a week and my mother looks like she is about to rip her hair out. I hate that I don't really have much to do. I mean the first few days of watching Netflix and eating Junk food were fun but now I do not know what to do with my life. And no mother I do not want to do more Laundry. So I am stuck in the house with not much to do which is why I probably thought that dying my hair blonde would be a good idea. It wasn't. You see it was not that long ago i dyed my hair Black but as I have a strange obsession with Showers a lot of it had washed out but not all of it. So I am now left with a ridiculous mess of Blonde and Black hair. It looks ridiculous. No I will not post a picture. I am still trying to come up with a solution to that. Already I am wishing for the Holidays to be over. There is one thing I am really looking forward to though and that is an appointment at my local G.I.C.(Gender Identity Clinic) The one closest to me is Sandyford in Glasgow. My first appointment is on Friday. I am both excited and Terrified about the appointment. Hopefully it will go well. I will tell you all about it after the appointment. Bye!