So last week was a very exhausting week for me and it all came to a climax on Saturday night. Now before i tell you all about that i should probably explain what led up to this meltdown.
Stress. And a lot of it. Anxiety is to me the worst mental illness you can get. Now i know i have confused a lot of people because surely anxiety is not that bad. I mean i myself have a lot of mental health problems including Psychosis which many people regard as being quite serious and the absolute worst you can get but really I do not believe that. Sometimes I actually love hallucinating. Its not always bad, sometimes my hallucinations are funny and insightful. Other times i feel like I am getting a completely different perspective of the world with added commentary included. Really anxiety is worse for me because i get physical symptoms. With depression you can get tired and loose your appetite but its tolerable. With anxiety however you can feel every beat of your heart. You feel faint, and nauseous. The amount of times i have been in the middle of doing something and I am suddenly hit with a wave of sickness and I have to rush to make it to a bathroom in time. Sometimes i even have to induce vomiting to get the horrible feeling to go away. Now usually if you go to a member of staff at school saying you have just been sick they usually advise you go home, rest up and come back when you are feeling better. But if i did that then i would never be at school.
Anxiety also means you can feel insecure about asking for help. There have been several occasions where I have been at school, in class, and i feel sick, i am hyperventilating and i can see black dots dance before my eyes. But of course my dear friend anxiety, whom got me in this situation in the first place has made it so I am unable to get a word out edge ways for fear that I would get in trouble for disrupting the class.
So yeah anxiety sucks. But know it is time for me to tell you about the fateful events of one Saturday evening.
So I wake up that morning all well knowing that i have plans for that evening and chores I had to do that day. But my other lovely friend Depression decides for me that no. I will not do my chores and I will not get ready for the evening. Instead I lay in bed watching walking dead that made an other of my oh so amazing friends turned up. This time it was Paranoia. Now i know better than to feed this little creature but sometimes I cannot help it. There are so many different triggers that honestly it feels like i am trying to find a piece of hay in a needle stack. Now I know the usual saying is needle in a haystack but honestly that is for too nice. Now I love watching Walking dead but then i descend into a downward spiral worrying about what would happen if a zombie apocalypse were to really happen. I mean I know I would never survive, I am a picky autistic vegetarian with as much knowledge on fighting as a teaspoon. And i may be no teaspoon but I am guessing it is no firearms expert. Then I of course have Adrian at the door telling me to get on with my chores. So I get started, work hard for 5 or so minutes then get bored. Not my fault. I never remember my ADHD meds. I mean i would need my medication to remember my medication. It is a vicious circle that usually meant i never seem to remember my medication. So after a couple of hours i have finally 'finished' my chores. Well more or less.
Now it is time to get ready to go out. Of course I am now chucking clothes all over my room desperately trying to find clean clothes. Apparently it is not suitable to turn up in the same jeans i have been wearing for weeks on end. By then my anxiety was through the roof. Trying to get anything done at that point seemed futile. I shoved my headphones and a couple of books in my bag before going in the shower. I was only in twenty minutes so i did not have the time to actually get clean. I put my music on and messed around, when suddenly i was told to get out the shower. I mean usually my showers can last over an hour. I just love relaxing in the shower. Now after my shower me and my sister Iona were told to look after our baby sister Clara. Well it was mainly Iona, but me and Clara did have some great fun dancing to MCR.
So after all that we were all directed towards the car and that is when everything truly went to hell. Everyone was fighting. I was sitting in the back of the car, stressed out and blasting music. We slowly made ourselves into the center of town to start our search of finding a parking space which considering the christmas lights were bring turned on. The place was packed. This of course made me freak out. That and the fact that for some stupid reason the people of perth are obsessed with fireworks equaled a nervous wreck that was at some point me. We got out the car and slowly made our way to our destination. A french restaurant. The only way i could describe would be Atlanta in the Walking Dead. It was insane. For all those that do not know what i mean. Google it. Specifically the scene where Rick Grimes is trapped in a tank.
So after all that havoc. We made it to the restaurant. Where i proceeded to have a meltdown and lock myself in the toilet. I then shouted and swore at people like the elegant person I am and sobbed my eyes out. Of course that must have been a great spectacle to see. I am now realizing how long this blog post and will attempt to quickly find a resolution to this story. Or i could not as really there is no end to this story as i am still living it. So for now so long and goodbye.
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