So you may have noticed that I have not made a post in a while. Don't worry I did not forget about you it's just every time I sat down to write a post I could not get the words to flow. They were there sitting, waiting to be released but it was like they being held back. Trapped behind a wall. I have noticed that about a lot of things lately. I use masks and deception as a coping strategy. I can often look and appear fine but really on the inside I am tearing myself apart. This can be a huge problem as usually it means that i often do not get the help I need.
Recently for me my past has been a huge problem. It is not something I can escape. Nightmares and flashbacks are becoming a common part of my day. The smallest of things can set me off. Little reminders of the past. Now this would be a whole lot easier if i knew what these triggers where and I could just try my hardest to avoid them. But of course life is never that simple. You see the thing is I do not know what could set me off. I am a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. And when that happens it is often violent. Now i am not a violent person in nature. In fact i utterly abhor the harming of another human being or creature. But I have no such qualms about myself. I am very well versed in different manors of self inflicted destruction. Drinking too much, cutting, smoking away my limited lung capacity, engaging in risky and often provocative behavior and starving my already weakened body. Now all of this adds up to a lot of problems both mentally and physically. I am not sure how much abuse my body can take before it gives up.
Now i'm sorry for such a depressing post. I promise you next time it will be much more cheerful but for now. So long and good night.
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