Please Insomnia will you let me sleep.

Insomnia sucks. Especially when it is the middle of the night and you are lying in bed unable to sleep. You are exhausted and desperately trying to get as much rest as you can but still you are just lying there looking up at the ceiling like its suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. You toss and turn but really you just can't seem to get comfortable. Check the time and only 5 minutes have passed since you last checked.

I have recently been put on a medication called Circadin. It is a long-term release sleeping medication. I have reported better nights sleep on this medication. The only problem is how long it affects me. It usually lasts a long time. Probably near twelve hours and I often take my medication later than i should so i spend the morning very tired and still technically asleep as my melatonin levels are still high. It is annoying. I would take it earlier but I never remember. That and i do my best thinking at night time. Hopefully one of these days I will have a good nights sleep free from nightmares and groggy mornings.

I hate Insomnia.

Autism can make you feel alone.

Now I know I have friends and family whom I know will always be there for me, but having autism can make you feel alone and isolated even when you are surrounded by people. You miss out on things that you would otherwise have enjoyed. You can't go out with your friends without the fear of a meltdown hanging over your head. Or if you have to have your friends told to keep an eye on me. Or when you have your younger siblings treat you like a parent would a child. It can make the Teen years incredibly awkward. You are trying to grasp at straws to grow up and gain some sense of independence but it can all come crashing down when you have a panic attack because everything is getting too overwhelming. When people find out you have Autism they often treat you like you are a small child. They give you looks of sympathy and adopt a calm persona. It can be incredibly annoying if you are trying to fit in with your peers. You struggle to have people see you for who you are. They are too busy looking at autistic you, but that is only part of who you are. Now I would never get rid of my autism but some days I am just fed up of the meltdowns, of crying because something changed. I cried when facebook changed their format. I did not like the change. It seems so petty and insignificant to so many but to me that was huge. It made me confused and disorientated.

Being a Teenager sucks. Being a teenager with Autism is horrible but we need to remember how amazing and individual we are. Even if we cant do certain things or we have meltdowns in public or get treated like children. We are Special.

My crazy relationship with Food

Ok. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a crazy relationship with food. I am very picky and can often change my likes and dislikes making it very hard for people to make food for me. Usually though a good pasta is amazing. Pasta is the main part of my diet. I adore the stuff. I always have. I have always been an unusual person when it comes to food.

Vegetables. Oh how I despise them. They are the worst thing in the world. It does not help that I really don't like the colour green. Unless its Olives, The incredible Hulk or Magic Cards. This means my diet is very unhealthy and often limited to basic things you see on a kids menu. Going out to eat makes me panic. Before I go to a place i must have first researched the place, seen a copy of the current menu, emailed them for a picture of what I am wanting to get to make sure it does not have any triggers. For example excess herbs, food touching, weird looking textures, weird colours, whether its on an actual plate. I have seen pictures of people getting their food served really weird so now I freak out at the thought of eating my spaghetti out of a plant pot. I also have to have someone else make the order as when it comes the time to order the food, I freeze up and am unable to speak. My order is often complex and I often feel embarrassed and annoyed at how picky I am. I also do not like it when people feel the need to tell everyone I have autism. I understand why and I would not want it to stop but it can get tiring. You get a sudden wave of self consciousness. Which when you are already in an anxiety inducing atmosphere is not good. Thankfully I usually have my trusted headphones to put music on and ignore the world.

When I first started going to my school I lived off of Ham Sandwiches. It was the only thing I would eat. My school has proper cooked meals. And they are usually fancy and they have salad with their meals and it looks weird and healthy. I hated it. Thankfully now I have expanded my menu of food at school. I now also have pizza and macaroni cheese. So still a long way to go.

I also have a huge sugar tooth. I love puddings and sweets and have a horrible tendency to eat too much. It can be annoying to my mum as when I go to the shop i return with things I am not supposed to have gotten. She can always tell when I am lying though. I cannot lie. It is incredibly hard and people can always tell when i'm telling a fib. So not fun when you are playing two truths, one lie and everyone can tell what the lie was.

So this was my blog post all about my terrible and unhealthy eating habits.

Memory Techniques and Crazy Obsessions

My brain is a mystery. Even I have no clue what is going on half the time. I would love to show you a piece of what goes on in my head

I love having Autism. Having obsessions can make my life so much more fun. I always know what to do to cheer myself up. Watch Sherlock while eating chocolate in my comfiest set of pyjamas. To me I will always have that to fall back on. Having an obsession with Sherlock is amazing as their are a lot of books, shows, films, art....pretty much it's one of the biggest fanbase in the world. This all started when my mum read me 'The Hounds of the Baskervilles.' I was 4 at the time and thought it was amazing. I always used to dream about going to solve crimes with the Detective. It makes me happier than anything in the world.

My mind Palace. I use a memory technique that involves visualisation. I have been doing it since I was young but back then it was more of a mind flat. I only came up with the name Mind Palace after I saw it on Sherlock. I was ecstatic. Knowing that my hero used the same memory technique as me was a dream come true. Now my palace Is bigger than ever. I have a full sized laboratory, a huge library, a tiny garden as I don't really know much about gardening but I have a lot of Grass and a dozen beehives. My kitchen is well stocked with Macaroni cheese, Olives and Ham Sandwiches. I love having a cup of tea with my own little Sherlock and John. Sometimes if I am lucky Sherlock is playing his violin. I can always tell when I am going to have a bad day when I cannot find John in my mind Palace. Without John Sherlock is Manic, Rude, Depressed and has a horrible tendency to burn stuff. When a fire like that happens in my Mind Palace it is Devastating. It leaves behind a mess. I can loose memories and forgot important things like eating or sleeping. I have also experienced Floods, Meteor attacks and one particularly memorable Dragon attack.

So that was a little slice of what my head is like. I hope you enjoyed reading about it.

Ah the Asexual Life for Me

So as the title may suggest I am asexual. This means I have little to no interest in Sexual activity. That does not however mean that I don't want to date people. It just means I do not want to have sex with them. Now to a lot of people we are rarer than unicorns but we are out there. In fact it is estimated that 1% of the world is asexual.

If you are interested in learning more about Asexuality. Here are some Helpful Links:
Ask An Asexual Person: Buzzfeed

What is asexuality?

Asexuality

The Asexuality Blog

Or you could send me a message on Facebook. :)

Autism and the Older Generation

Ok so my last blog I made a point about lack of representation of Autism in Girls. Today I wanted to talk about people who are older. Now when you think of someone with Autism most people would think of a young boy but what about people who were diagnosed much later in life. Autism affects those of all ages so why won't anyone mention Older people. I mean its not just Autism that this happens with you can see it in a range of learning and developmental difficulties. I mean they are out there as well. I know a lot of amazing people who fit in that category. They need just them same help and caring that children get but people are often dismissive. So today I would like you all to make a vow to be kinder to the older generation. Visit that Grandparent you haven't seen in awhile. Do some volunteering and Generally just aim to be a better person. :)

Autism in Media and Why are they all male?

Ok so chances are you have come across an autistic character while watching telly, a film
or reading a book. My question is how accurate are they.

Oh Rain Man. How much I hate you. Sometimes when I tell people I am Autistic I get
the annoying reply of 'Oh so like Rain Man'. No not at all like Rain Man. He does not have
 Autism but Savant Syndrome. Google: Savant Syndrome

And of course we cannot have a post about Autism in Media without mentioning
Sheldon Cooper. Now yes he does have a lot of the well known trademarks of Autism.My
problem with the character is that he is portrayed as incredibly rude and narcissistic. I do not
like the way he treats people or the way that people treat him. Having autism does not make
you rude. Unfortunately a lot of people see his arrogance as a trait of autism it is not. I mean yes there are a lot of people with Autism who can be quite rude but he is just downright horrid to his friends. He belittles their intelligence and manipulates them into doing what he wants. Now it may be different for others but to me I do not want such a bad light shined on Autism.

Abed from Community. I love the show Community. I feel that the portrayal of Abed from
Community is an Amazing portrayal of Asperger's. He is friendly, has an obsession with Pop
culture which makes a lovely change from the usual more scientific based obsessions we see portrayed, awkward and all together a pretty loveable character.

Sherlock Holmes. More specifically the version portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch.
Now for me a problem is in the episode 'Hound of the Baskervilles' Where John states that Sherlock has aspergers. Now when I first saw that I was ecstatic. The thought of my favourite character having Aspergers too was amazing but what I did not like was that they just left it at that. They did not delve into it further or have John and Lestrade properly discuss Autism. I mean it could have been a HUGE moment in recognition and awareness for the Autistic community but instead it was awkward and cringe worthy to just have them throw around a diagnosis like that.Ok I am going to end that rant before it gets out of hand. So whether he is Autistic or not does not matter.

Adam 'Lines in the Sand' House. What I loved about this character was that they were non-verbal.He is very 'low-functioning' (I do not believe in Functioning Labels but that is what I found on the Wiki article)House Md: Adam Kelvey, unable to speak, a very strict routine and is usually unresponsive to external stimuli . You do not get many portrayals of non-verbal characters so this was a plus for me.

Another HUGE problem I have with the portrayal of autism is that they are
pretty much all male. Where are all the Autistic Girls in Media?

My first appointment at Sandyford.

Wow. So today just happened. I am very tired and excited by how well the appointment went. I got woken up at six in the morning to go through to Glasgow. It was a long journey but worth it. When we got there we discovered we were 50 minutes early so went round the corner to a little restaurant and ordered coffee. Well Mum, Ade and Ailsa all got something. I sat there awkwardly the whole time.

Finally though it was time for my appointment. I felt sick with nerves but really it was a lot more relaxed than I thought it would be. I was asked about my family, hobbies, school and my gender identity and when I came out as trans. I was also asked what I wanted to get out of going to Sandyford. I told them that I wanted to medically transition to male by taking Testosterone and having top surgery. I had Adrian in with me so the whole experience was a lot better. It was an hour long but it did not feel like it at the time. I am really looking forward to my next appointment. Thankfully I will not have as much nerves coming up to the next appointment as I know what to expect.

Then we went to IKEA the land of Flat pack furniture and Meatballs. That was hectic to say the least. Horrible, loud and busy. The only good thing about it was getting lunch. Gotta love those Swedish Meatballs. Then we left the hustle and bustle of IKEA to visit my uncle Tam. He had just woken up as he had a night shift at his work last night. It was good seeing him though. After all that we started the long drive home where everyone but Adrian fell asleep. So that was my crazy day. I cannot believe it happened. Now I want to go to sleep.

CAMHS, Toddlers and Madness

So today has been a very long day. I started it off by walking over to CAMHS for my appointment. At first the appointment did not turn out well. I was nervous and Ailsa was being an utter pain. She was tired and hungry.That made me nervous. Once she had left the appointment went rather well. I managed to talk to the Dr and discuss my medication. I also got prescribed sleeping meds. Hopefully they will work.

Then after the appointment we went on a search for somewhere to get lunch. That was horrible. We first went to a restaurant and it looked amazing, but Ailsa wanted pancakes. Then we walked over to Sandemans by the cinema.....and mum got a call from the bank because she dropped her card and someone had handed it in. While my mum was getting her card back I went to Waterstones and got a book. The Enemy by Charlie Higson. Its one of my favourite series of books and I am hoping to get the rest of the series soon. *Wink* Wink* Umm my birthday is coming up if anyone wants to become my bestest friend. Then we wandered around until we reached a Bakery. I got a Macaroni pie, a doughnut and some fanta. Then I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, By that point i felt like an extra on Walking Dead. Then finally I walked home and hid in my bed. So I hope you found my mad day interesting. Bye Sam

Meltdowns, Crying and Exhaustion

Meltdowns. They are exhausting and generally there's a lot of crying and screaming involved. Well at least there is for me. My little sister Ailsa is the same. When she has Meltdowns it's enough to nearly give me a meltdown as I hate loud noises. It's a horrible domino effect in my house. Of course that is of course when my littler sister Clara gets woken up and joins in on the general screamfest. Generally my house is loud and chaotic. My ear defenders are my best friend. I put them on and ignore the world all while listening to my favourite music. I used to hate showers but ever since I moved into our current house I have loved them and usually have two showers a day. Of course I have music playing then as well.

For me the worst time to have a Meltdown is in public. I fear the looks people give me. Like i have suddenly burst into song and dance, but not very well. It's a look of confusion and at times awkwardness.
So if you see someone that is potentially having a meltdown. Remember these important rules.

1. Give them space
2. Be calm and careful if you approach them
3. Unless they are danger of hurting themselves or others ask before touching them. It could make them feel more panicked
4. Know that it is not your fault and you are not to blame.

Ok so that ends my helpful advice for today. If you have any more helpful advice then you can comment or send me a quick message. Bye Sam.

Introverts Guide to Making Friends

Ok so would you rather sit inside all day instead of going into town? Have you been happy when people cancel plans? Then you are an Introvert.

Making friends is hard enough if you are not an introvert. But if you are then it just makes everything worse. You may want to make friends and hang out with them but the thought of leaving the house gives you anxiety.

A good way to start making friends is to make sure that you don't pick the wrong people. It may feel like you need to cling on to the first person who is nice to you but to make you friends you need to just be yourself. Don't change who you are for other people, you may not like the person you turn into. Make friends with people who accept your quirks and general awkwardness.

Say Hello. If you want to start up a conversation. Start by saying this. I know what you are thinking, how obvious it is start with Hello. Well the amount of times I started talking to someone and I just let out everything i had on my mind. That usually results in some strange looks as they try and get away from such an awkward one-sided conversation.

Find out if there are any interesting Clubs or Groups in your area you could go to. Its a great way to start a conversation and meet new people. If not well you can just go along for the fun of it.

The internet is a great way of making friends, but you have to be careful. You never know who you could come across. It can be a great way of meeting new people or you could just look up memes on tumblr.

If none of what I said helped try this WikiHow article. WikiHow: Make Friends As an Introvert
If that did not work. Well you can always get a cat.

Noise,Lights and Sensory Triggers

I swear that Shops must be designed to confuse, disorientate and generally give whomever walks in a headache. You get the bright lights, the reflective flooring that squeaks when you walk on it and loud beeping and scanning of items.Oh yes and the screaming toddler on the other side of the shop that somehow you can still here. All and all it's my worst nightmare. Well only if you add in killer Clowns and Bigoted people. But thankfully i don't bump into Killer Clowns at my local tesco, I cannot say the same about the Bigots.

Today I am going to write up some simple hints to survive a trip to the shops.

          Wear

• Headphones
• Sunglasses

        Remember 

• Breathe
• Stay Calm
• Make a list of what you need so you can just go in and grab it. Of course remembering to Pay.
• If you need to Take a friend with you
• To bring along anything that calms you down. 
• Invest in fidget toys to give you something to fiddle with from either Fidget Shop or Amazon
• If all else fails Online Shopping is your best friend

Ok so I hope that you enjoyed reading this and maybe found some helpful advice. If you have anything you want me to talk about next please comment and I will work hard to write it for you, Thanks Sam.

"Are you a Boy or a Girl?"

Ah that lovely question I get asked all the time. Trust me when I say how tiresome it gets. You are just trying to mind your own business when someone comes up wondering what Gender you are. But really they are not looking to know my gender but My Sex. A lot of people seem to get confused between the two.Now let me get one thing straight. Sex does not equal Gender. Sex is between your Legs. Gender is in your head.

This is the Genderbread Person. The Genderbread person is a good example but it is not perfect. You see Gender is not a line but a spectrum quite like this colour wheel. You could be any colour on this wheel. Sometimes your colour will change or it could stay the same. People might not see your true colour. They might call you Blue but you feel more purple. The only person who can tell what colour you are is you.

Now for some reason the world seems to be obsessed with peoples Genitals. Why can't we all just get along and stop worrying about what is in someone's pants. Now go of and be happy my little Rainbow children.

I Hate the Summer Holidays

I hate the Summer Holidays. It has only been a week and my mother looks like she is about to rip her hair out. I hate that I don't really have much to do. I mean the first few days of watching Netflix and eating Junk food were fun but now I do not know what to do with my life. And no mother I do not want to do more Laundry. So I am stuck in the house with not much to do which is why I probably thought that dying my hair blonde would be a good idea. It wasn't. You see it was not that long ago i dyed my hair Black but as I have a strange obsession with Showers a lot of it had washed out but not all of it. So I am now left with a ridiculous mess of Blonde and Black hair. It looks ridiculous. No I will not post a picture. I am still trying to come up with a solution to that. Already I am wishing for the Holidays to be over. There is one thing I am really looking forward to though and that is an appointment at my local G.I.C.(Gender Identity Clinic) The one closest to me is Sandyford in Glasgow. My first appointment is on Friday. I am both excited and Terrified about the appointment. Hopefully it will go well. I will tell you all about it after the appointment. Bye!