"How are you?"

This one question may or may not mean something to you. It is confusing to me as i am never entirely sure if they really want to know or are just using it as a casual remark. Really when people ask me how I am I just say I am okay. Really it feels like a universal response. You tell people you are okay but really you might be feeling depressed or are panicking over trying to appear like an average calm person rather than the frantic mess that you feel inside. So when someone is genuinely interested in how someone is feeling it can be often dismissed.

It is quite upsetting to me that in this world we still feel insecure about how we feel. We are too scared that someone will judge us for being an outcast, for being different that we forget that really everyone feels just like that. Everyone has their insecurities that they work hard to hide. I try and cover up any hyper activeness or mania i have for fear of being judged. Fearing the mere possibility of getting judged. Of having someone think they know me better than I do. I do not want to be told how annoying and whiny i can be as then i start freaking out that no one will like me if i have flaws. Part of me knows this is irrational but really i don't care. I'm going to accept that i am a socially awkward kid in an adults world that has utterly no clue what is going on.    

My first Day of College

So today was my first day of my college. It is a computer games design course. I am really loving it so far. I am very happy that I got on the course and am excited at the thought of learning how to program computer games. I made a special effort to look smart for my first day. With a shirt, bow tie, corduroy and purple doc martens i felt like a true nerd which i loved.

So my first day started off badly. I was nervous when i woke up and did not want to eat breakfast as i was too anxious. On the taxi ride over I was desperately trying to keep my nerves down. Stepping into the building felt amazing and different. I loved that this was the start to me learning some amazing and useful things about computer games development. So I held my head up high as i headed to the room that the course was in. Internally i was breaking down but i hope that i managed to keep a calm composure. When the class started though we were given forms to fill out and that made me panic a lot. I felt like i was trapped in a bubble and that this was the worst thing in the world. All that stress over a form. Thankfully my amazing mother darling was in the room next door hovering. She managed to calm me down and talk to my tutor whom was very understanding. I was still nervous but the knowledge that my mum was there if needs be was very comforting and i managed to get through the rest of the class. I was able to relax and take notes on everything that i felt important. I hope to do as much work as i can in my free time. I really want to make sure that i pass this course. I want to do well at this and to be able to tell myself that i did something that a few years ago i never thought possible. When i dropped out of main stream school i did not think i would get any qualifications let alone go to college. I am very proud that i managed to do this. So yeah all was well in the end. By then I was very tired but i had to go back to school where i promptly hid in the computer room to do some calming HTML.

Today has been a good day and i cannot wait until next friday.

Finally back at school.

So yesterday was my first day back at school. I would have written a blog post yesterday but as soon as i got back I fell asleep. Yesterday was busy and tiring. Really tiring. I can already tell that this is going to be a long year for me. I am not sure what my feelings are regarding it. Part of me is happy to be back at school. The other hates it. I am going to be taking exams later this year and already i am stressing out. I fear that i will not achieve as well as i hoped. I fear that i will fail. I hate talking to people about school as they do not tend to understand how much i adore learning and yet it also makes me want to hit myself over the head. I have this intense fear of messing up.

All through out my childhood I have been told that I am smart. I have learned to resent praise as it can often feel unwarranted or unnecessary. I do not like people telling me i am smart as i do not feel smart. In fact there are a lot of things i am very much lacking in intelligence.Yes i can code and i can do chemistry but i cannot take care of myself. Without prompting i can forget to eat, sleep, shower or to do much of anything really. I would be caught up in what i was doing and only realize after a couple of days that i have not slept or eaten after i pass out. So yeah i can write and i can spout out crazy random facts but really i am a human being with faults.People need to realize it is ok not to be smart. It is ok to realize that there are things that you cannot do. But we also have things we can do. We are all smart in our own unusual and unique way.

I am now 17!!!!!!!

Hello. Just a short post today. I have had an amazing 17th Birthday. I cannot believe I am already 17. it feels like yesterday i was in Primary School.

I had an amazing day out with my Grandparents. We went on a packed train through to Edinburgh. Congratulations ScotRail for only having 4 carriages on a Saturday when  the Fringe festival is on. Round of applause for that slight lack of intelligence. We went to an amazing italian restaurant called Prezzo's where I had the most amazing Spaghetti with heaps of cheese and olives on the side. Then we went and I got an amazing t-shirt from this little shop called swift. Its the Star wars one. :)

 The other two i got as presents. I ADORE the fall out boy one sooo much. And the other is one that my mums friend made. It is a galaxy print with Deathly Hallows symbols with beams of light turning into rainbows. I also got a very amazing and inappropriate Star trek card that I LOVE. If you want to see that you can message me. Then we went to the Assembly Rooms to go see a Live streaming of Benedict Cumberbatch play Hamlet.It was in the baltic...i mean the music hall cinema. It was freezing in there. In the interval I got up and danced around to warm myself up. After all that madness we got on the train back to Perth where I got my rainbow birthday cake. Today has been amazing and exhausting but at the moment I am wired on adrenaline so im not sure when i am going to sleep. So anyway, I have had an amazing time Goodnight.

How to Support the Autistic Person in your life.

Hello. Chances are you know someone with Autism. It could be a Sibling, Parent, Friend, Grandparent. Anyone really. Now just remember if you have met one person with Autism, you have only met one of the amazing, talented people out there.

People can often make the mistake that just because someone does not talk means they have nothing to say but I think that they just communicate differently. It takes a truly special person to get to see such Intelligence, because even though they cannot or struggle to talk. When they find a way to shout out their words be it painting, music, writing or any other thing really It is a true sign of bravery and Awesomeness.

One great way to Support someone with Autism is by learning about their Obsessions. Do they love Trains? A certain book? A TV show? Whatever it is learning a bit about it will help you get to know them better and you can know how to cheer them up. Taking the time to do this will be an amazing gesture as it shows you truly care. My sister actually got interested in a lot of the things that i introduced her too. She would always deny at first that she liked them but after walking in on her fangirling over JohnLock fanfiction she really could not deny it much longer. I feel happy that I have managed to get her to enjoy the stuff i do...Well mostly.Unfortunately YouTube was one of those things I introduced to her and I am afraid that it has now enveloped her life. I can only blame myself for that one.

Find out if they have any triggers you need to be careful for. you would not want to accidentally cause a meltdown. Do they have to have their sandwich cut diagonally? Do they not like loud noise? Do they have a certain routine they must adhere to? Is there anything that can calm them down if said meltdown happens? These are all important questions to ask. Just find out anything you need to know to support them.

Don't treat them differently because of it. All too many times people have found out I am autistic treat me like a child. It is very embarrassing seen as i am nearly 17. They give you sympathetic looks of 'Oh i'm so sorry you have autism.' It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable as then part of me feels the need to act younger than i am to avoid them asking questions. I am a human just like you. I want to be treated with respect. Autism does not define me. I love having Autism but there a lot of things that are just no fun.

I recommend you read the book The reason I Jump. It is written by an amazing person with Autism called Naoki Higashida.

I am hoping to write a second part to this to expand on what i have said. If there is anything else you would like to now please comment or send me a message.

Dysphoria and the Menstrual Cycle.

Ok. So I never thought I would be writing about this subject as it is a difficult one for me but I felt it best that i impart my wisdom upon you. Being a trans man sucks. It really sucks. One of the worst things that has ever happened to me would be Puberty. Now for any cisgender(Their body matches their gender) teen puberty is bad enough but what happens when you go through the puberty of the opposite gender. That makes it all the more hard. Just remember that it does not invalidate who you are. In fact going through such an ordeal makes you stronger. For me when I am struck with crippling Dysphoria(Feeling depressed that your body and mind don't match up) I like to wear my tightest binder(Compresses my chest) and baggy clothing. I hate being around people and am more prone to panic attacks. This is usually when i am on my period. When I am like this I cannot stand to look at my body. I avoid it at all costs but it is not easy. Mirrors all over the house, getting changed, cleaned these are all things that can make me feel worse. Hopefully I can go on testosterone to stop my menstrual cycle and have a male puberty. I know i will never have a good beard. God damn you genetics. Or a totally ripped body. Well that's foods fault for being soo much more appealing than exercise. Hopefully I will get a body i have dreamed for. To get top surgery to remove my chest and to not have to deal with Satans Waterfall. One day i will be free.

Depression ruins lives.

Hello. As you may have probably noticed today i am going to be talking about depression. It is not a light subject so if you find it difficult to read about Depression/Suicide then stop reading. Thank you.

So recently my depression has been horrible. It has stopped me from enjoying things that i usually love. It makes me feel lethargic and numb. It is a horrible struggle as I do not feel i am worthy of peoples affection and care. It makes me feel alone and scared. Depression is a battle so many people go through. It's not just teenagers it affects though. Adults experience depression too. It is one of the biggest killers in the world. And yet it has a huge social stigma attached to it. People do not want to talk about depression. But it is very important that we do talk about it. By talking about it we are breaking down the stigma and making it easier for people to ask for help when they need it.

If you suspect you or someone you know is suffering from Depression or Suicidal thoughts. Please get help. 

Samaritans UK

Childline UK

MentalHealth.gov USA

Teen Line USA

Suicide Hotlines for different countries

But you don't look Autistic

Sigh. When I just start liking someone and then they come up with a lovely thing like this. Tell me what does Autism look like? Please tell me because I do not know. Stereotypes can be very harmful to the autistic community. Especially those that insist on using 'functioning' labels. Everyone with Autism is different. You class us as low functioning and we are treated like small children. High functioning and people expect you to be like Rain Man or Dr Sheldon Cooper. I have said this before and I will say it again. These are not accurate representations of Autism. A problem my and my friends can sometimes get is that people see Autism as a young boy rocking in the corner reading a scientific journal and refusing to talk or make eye contact. Now I am sure that there are people like that out there but there are plenty that are not. If you have met one person with Autism, you've met one person with Autism. What may be calming for one could send someone else into a meltdown. I hate bright lights but a good friend of mine loves hiding in his room filled with fairy lights. Everyone is different.

So please tell me what does Autism look like. Why are people even concerned about this? Why cant we all just live our lives without everyone being forced into boxes.