When sound turns to blades

The moment when you feel trapped in a room and you can hear every little sound. Everything is loud and with every sound comes more pain and more sickness. It is horrible and It can make me feel like I can never be 'normal'. That I cannot do so much because of my sensory issues. I hate it. It makes me feel weak and small. So close to screaming out. The pain overwhelming your very being. You see pain in not new to me, nor is it something I will ever get used to. Sometimes the worst feelings are the small ones. The sick feeling in your stomach, the dull throb of a headache, the breathes getting caught in your thought. This is what truly defeats me.

Why are people so obsessed with my Genitals?

If I had a pound for every time someone asked me if i had a vagina then I could afford to move to my own private island and avoid all those annoying questions.

I simply do not understand why people think it is appropriate to ask about someones Genitals. It seems insane. Why do people believe they have the right to ask such intrusive questions. Only just today I was hounded by a complete stranger asking me if had a vagina. I have no idea why this person did that but what felt worse to me was that no else reacted while i was stalked by this pervert. We as a society really need to change if we can simply stand by as someone is being hounded. It is utterly horrible.

It is not just the Transgender community that gets effected by things like this. Anyone can get targeted. We need to be strong and stick together to destroy the bigoted people of the world.

I am sorry that this blog post is not up to as high a quality as usual but i just wanted to tell you about this while it is still fresh in my mind.

Sometimes life gets too much

So last week was a very exhausting week for me and it all came to a climax on Saturday night. Now before i tell you all about that i should probably explain what led up to this meltdown.

Stress. And a lot of it. Anxiety is to me the worst mental illness you can get. Now i know i have confused a lot of people because surely anxiety is not that bad. I mean i myself have a lot of mental health problems including Psychosis which many people regard as being quite serious and the absolute worst you can get but really I do not believe that. Sometimes I actually love hallucinating. Its not always bad, sometimes my hallucinations are funny and insightful. Other times i feel like I am getting a completely different perspective of the world with added commentary included. Really anxiety is worse for me because i get physical symptoms. With depression you can get tired and loose your appetite but its tolerable. With anxiety however you can feel every beat of your heart. You feel faint, and nauseous. The amount of times i have been in the middle of doing something and I am suddenly hit with a wave of sickness and I have to rush to make it to a bathroom in time. Sometimes i even have to induce vomiting to get the horrible feeling to go away. Now usually if you go to a member of staff at school saying you have just been sick they usually advise you go home, rest up and come back when you are feeling better. But if i did that then i would never be at school.

Anxiety also means you can feel insecure about asking for help. There have been several occasions where I have been at school, in class, and i feel sick, i am hyperventilating and i can see black dots dance before my eyes. But of course my dear friend anxiety, whom got me in this situation in the first place has made it so I am unable to get a word out edge ways for fear that I would get in trouble for disrupting the class.

So yeah anxiety sucks. But know it is time for me to tell you about the fateful events of one Saturday evening.

So I wake up that morning all well knowing that i have plans for that evening and chores I had to do that day. But my other lovely friend Depression decides for me that no. I will not do my chores and I will not get ready for the evening. Instead I lay in bed watching walking dead that made an other of my oh so amazing friends turned up. This time it was Paranoia. Now i know better than to feed this little creature but sometimes I cannot help it. There are so many different triggers that honestly it feels like i am trying to find a piece of hay in a needle stack. Now I know the usual saying is needle in a haystack but honestly that is for too nice. Now I love watching Walking dead but then i descend into a downward spiral worrying about what would happen if a zombie apocalypse were to really happen. I mean I know I would never survive, I am a picky autistic vegetarian with as much knowledge on fighting as a teaspoon. And i may be no teaspoon but I am guessing it is no firearms expert. Then I of course have Adrian at the door telling me to get on with my chores. So I get started, work hard for 5 or so minutes then get bored. Not my fault. I never remember my ADHD meds. I mean i would need my medication to remember my medication. It is a vicious circle that usually meant i never seem to remember my medication. So after a couple of hours i have finally 'finished' my chores. Well more or less.

Now it is time to get ready to go out. Of course I am now chucking clothes all over my room desperately trying to find clean clothes. Apparently it is not suitable to turn up in the same jeans i have been wearing for weeks on end. By then my anxiety was through the roof. Trying to get anything done at that point seemed futile. I shoved my headphones and a couple of books in my bag before going in the shower. I was only in twenty minutes so i did not have the time to actually get clean. I put my music on and messed around, when suddenly i was told to get out the shower. I mean usually my showers can last over an hour. I just love relaxing in the shower.  Now after my shower me and my sister Iona were told to look after our baby sister Clara. Well it was mainly Iona, but me and Clara did have some great fun dancing to MCR.

So after all that we were all directed towards the car and that is when everything truly went to hell. Everyone was fighting. I was sitting in the back of the car, stressed out and blasting music. We slowly made ourselves into the center of town to start our search of finding a parking space which considering the christmas lights were bring turned on. The place was packed. This of course made me freak out. That and the fact that for some stupid reason the people of perth are obsessed with fireworks equaled a nervous wreck that was at some point me. We got out the car and slowly made our way to our destination. A french restaurant. The only way i could describe would be Atlanta in the Walking Dead. It was insane. For all those that do not know what i mean. Google it. Specifically the scene where Rick Grimes is trapped in a tank.

So after all that havoc. We made it to the restaurant. Where i proceeded to have a meltdown and lock myself in the toilet. I then shouted and swore at people like the elegant person I am and sobbed my eyes out. Of course that must have been a great spectacle to see. I am now realizing how long this blog post and will attempt to quickly find a resolution to this story. Or i could not as really there is no end to this story as i am still living it. So for now so long and goodbye.

Self Harm and Me

Hello All. So recently I have been struggling a lot. With Self Harm. Now I know how taboo it is to talk about such a subject but to me it is important to be open about our struggles.

Self harm is something that on others I would try anything to make sure they know that I care and that hurting is not the right answer but to myself self harm is the only answer. And yes I am a huge hypocrite but i hate to see other people in pain. I deserve my pain, but i do not believe that other people deserve pain.

These wounds and scars are not beautiful. They never will be. They are physical manifestations of the pain I am feeling inside. Self Harm has been romanticized for far too long. One simple search  on tumblr and you will see black and white images of cuts with dramatic quotes written by angsty teens. No one will kiss your scars and tell you your scars are beautiful. That does not happen in real life. In real life people look at you with pity and disgust. They wonder how you could do something like that to your body. Please fight to stop this from happening. It can be very harmful to yourself and other people to post images of self harm. I am not saying you cannot post photos of your scars but not wounds. I have had many a friend have these pictures used against them and they can now never escape their past.

If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm, please get help. Thank you for reading. Stay Safe.

Fireworks and Meltdowns

Ah Bonfires Night. Or as I like to call it. One long meltdown. I HATE fireworks with a vengeance. They are loud, bright and incredibly dangerous. They make me have completely shut down. I have meltdowns, panic attacks and flashbacks to those horrible memories of my drunk 'father' attempting to light fireworks and it all going horribly wrong. For some reason every year on the fifth of November and of course the days before and after a lot of the time, there are always a lot of people insisting on having their own display. That in itself is okay but it is when you have several of them going of in the same vicinity it can make it sound like an air raid is going off outside your house.Which is very distressing for a lot of people and animals. I myself know that i am not the only person that suffers this time of the year as i have talked to people who are also suffering. It is good to know I am not alone but I cannot help but have this deep seated anger at all of the fireworks that make my feel such panic. Hopefully it wont be happening all night and I can finally get some rest. I am very much looking forward to when this is all over.