Overthinking Life and Existential Crisis

Hi. Have you ever had a moment where you suddenly wonder what would happen if your best friend suddenly died? or if you suddenly went blind? or if you accidentally killed someone? Well I have. Whenever my head is left to wander I always end up in this crazy spiral of going over insane incidents that are likely never to happen. They leave me anxious and paranoid about everything. I have incessant needs to check all possible entry points of the room I am in and am constantly worrying about those important to me. It sends me into a nervous wreck. Now I actually have quite bad paranoia as it is. I hate having my back to a door encase someone sneaks up on me, I worry every time I leave the house that I will get attacked  and I hate it when the doorbell rings because I have no clue who is there. All of this makes me honestly surprised that I can appear somewhat functioning in everyday life let alone actually leaving the house. But these crazy psychotic wanderings in life. They scare me. To realize that I have the power of life and death. I could kill someone. I don't think I would but I could.

So am I the only person? I do not know.To be honest I may just be a crazy psychopath.

At this point you are either thinking about how relatable this is or are now thinking that i am an utter lunatic. Well yes I am an utter lunatic but I make a pretty decent cup of tea.

Tiring Life

Have you ever had a day where no matter what you did you would end up exhausted?
Well for me it is usually on a Monday. After the weekend my body clock is completely off. Everything makes me tired. Part of the struggles of Autism for me is a constant state of Jet lag. It is horrible and I never really get over it. Each day has it's own different set of events and sudden changes and random events can make everything worse. For example if you are suddenly told that you are doing something when you had something different planned it can make you nervous. Like today when I got back home I was asked if I could go to the shops. Of course me being me, I said yes. I love going to the shop. Its my one time where I have freedom and I can blast my music and take a quick stop at the park for a swing and a run. It makes me feel happy. But after a long day of school planning to get home and mess around on my laptop it was change. Change to me is not good. It makes me nervous. I often end up having fun but it's still different and it makes me tired. So yeah. I don't know if you experience this too. If so then please feel free to share. I would love to find out more about how people cope with life. Everyone has their own thing. For me it is Music. When im stressed I love to play music and completely disconnect from the world. Thanks Sam.

Procrastination and my life.

Ok so as a professional procrastinator i put off writing this post for a couple of days and watched Netflix. Procrastination is a huge part of my life. Its my way of 'coping'. I distract myself hoping that all my problems will go away. Generally they don't. That does not stop me though. I know that I have stuff to do but sometimes I just want to take the easy option and to not care. Its not something I want to do. I wish that I had the motivation to do things but generally the fear of messing up stops me. That's a huge problem for me. Sometimes I am soo scared that I will mess up that i start to avoid life. For example this year in school I am doing Physics. You see I love Physics but because of college i end up missing half my classes. The fear that I will fail and that I won't be able to get a qualification out of it is a huge fear. Now I did talk to someone at my school about this but they told me not to worry about exams and to just attend it for the fun. The thing is I cannot. I cannot just not worry. I want to get National 5 in Physics. I cannot just do something for fun. I want to get something out of this. I am scared that I wont be able to keep up. That along with Chemistry, maths, I.T and college i will burn up and be an utter wreck by the end of the year. That I will push myself to hard. Ok enough on that.

You see I will stop worrying. It's one of the constants in my life. I worry so much that I distract myself with reading or playing games or watching Netflix. I know that I need to sort my life out but I do not know how. Maybe one day I will wake up and not freak out about every small detail of the day ahead. Unlikely but who knows.

Oh god spell check went insane writing this. Why must words be so hard.  

Amazing Day at the Safari Park

Hello all. Today has been amazing and I wanted to share it all with you. Today was a school trip to Blair Drummond Safari Park. I was initially very nervous but I managed to calm myself down on the bus journey over. The night before I made myself an amazing lunch.It's fair to say that I had barely any sleep last night.

I woke up this morning and started rushing around trying to get dressed[Black Corduroy, shirt and a Sons of Anarchy t shirt.] For once in my life I was not rushing out the door 5 minutes after waking up but infact ended up waiting a good ten minutes. Well done Sam, you have amazing time management skills. Hahaha no. A taxi then a bus journey later I finally arrived at the park. Well one of the buses did. The other missed a turning and we had to wait for them.  As soon as they got there though i rushed off. I wanted to do everything at once and was a little bit hyper. I wandered around for a bit, had some lunch and made friends with a llama called Jeff. Well thats his name now. I did something i never thought i would by going on the flying fox not once but twice. Considering im scared of heights and large bodies of water im kinda impressed.
Well yeah I had a great day. Sorry this post is not very good. I am very tired and i can't seem to english very well today.

College, Appointments and Passing out.

Hey! I have had a really busy week so far. I have been doing a lot of coding for a website I am making. I will never end up posting it online but for me coding is a great form of stress relief. It can also be incredibly stressful. This week I was stressing out about my appointment at Sandyford. I was really nervous because this is a huge thing to me and I did not want to mess it up. All this stress was not good for me. I struggled to eat and was getting very little sleep. It was on Thursday that all this madness caught up with me and I ended up passing out. Thankfully I am now feeling a lot better and I am making sure that I take better care of myself.

Friday was very busy. I had college, CAMHS and sandyford in one day. College was amazing and i got through it without having a panic attack. That to me was a huge achievement as the week before was quite stressful for me. After college it was time to go to CAMHS. That was a short appointment for my ADHD meds. Then it was the oh so fun journey through to Glasgow. Thankfully I had the joyful entertainment of Adrian singing along to Halsey. The appointment was amazing and I left feeling much better about myself and my transition. It was also my last appointment for the assessment part of my time with Sandyford. My mum and Adrian have an appointment and then there will be an appointment to discuss everything that has happened in the assessment and my next steps. I am so happy that I am now further towards my dream and goal of starting testosterone. A couple of years ago all of this would have been an impossible future for me. I thought that I would never be able to be who I was. That I will forever be pretending to be someone that I was not.  I want to thank everyone that has been there supporting me along the way. It may not have been easy but thank you.