Autism and Christmas

Hello everyone. Today I wanted to talk about Christmas and how me having autism effects my feelings about it. Now as always this is just my perspective and is not true for everyone with autism. I have autistic friends who love Christmas and the lights and the sounds but for me its not that fun.

One thing i hate more than anything else is the unknown. I struggle to do things if i do not know enough information. With holidays like Christmas I can feel nervous as it is very relaxed. I have no clue what time I will need to be awake at. I don't know what I will be doing in the day time. There are no scheduled times for eating. How much social interaction do i need to partake in to not be seen as rude and antisocial. Will someone try to hug me. These are all questions I have on my mind but I know that there is no simple answer. For the simple reason being some things cannot be predicted and when you have as big a family as my own there are too many variables. Anything could happen and that frightens me.

My sensory issues always have a field day around the time of Christmas as there are so many lights and sound. It can feel overwhelming and exhausting. Why must people put up bright, obnoxious lighting that are disorientating and migraine inducing. Even for a neurotypical person it must start to get a bit much to deal with. And don't get me started on the fire work crazed hooligans whom all seem to reside in my local area. Everything seems to be cause for celebration to them and when actual holidays come around they go insane. All hours of the night loud explosions can be heard. It makes me feel utterly homicidal.

I also hate the thought of any focus going on myself. It makes me feel nervous and jumpy. I worry that i will do or say the wrong thing. What if i upset someone. What if i freak out and everyone looks at me. So at times something simple such as opening a present can feel like you are trying to defuse a bomb infront of a live studio audience.

So this is my blog post telling you about all things i hate about Christmas. I hope you enjoyed it.

I HATE Holidays

So as you might have been able to tell from either the title or how much i love to whine about it. I HATE the holidays. I absolutely hate them. You go from having a busy but well balanced week to suddenly not having anything to do. Your sense of time is out of whack. I cant really remember what day it is. Everything is just merging together in a cycle of sleeping and messing around on my laptop. I could have been like this for months for all i realize. The whole world could collapse and i would not notice. Any attempt to make plans usually does not work out well on my part as im terrible at communicating with people so i will arrange to do something then completely forget to tell anyone about my plans. I am a professional now at hastily packing a bag and managing to forget every item of actual importance bar my laptop. I could have no clean clothes or binders but as long as i have my laptop im fine. My whole life is on my laptop. I play games, i read, write, anxiously stare at Facebook waiting for someone to reply to my constant streams of messages but mostly just watch netflix or youTube.

I am already counting down the days until the holiday is over. Why can't humans hibernate over winter then i could this done with a lot quicker. But knowing my insomnia i would probably just be one of the few humans to wander the earth as the world sleeps. So anyway i hope you enjoyed todays blog post. See Ya!!!

The Rebellious Teen years of the Classical Music Enthusiast

Being a teenager can be tough. It is a time of discovery and opportunities. It is a time to explore your inner self. Many teens go through a time of rebellion where they suddenly become interested in black clothes and punk music.

Now I myself did not go through that phase. Oh no. With me something very different happened. I turned into a pretentious douche bag. I often sat sulking in the corner listening to Bach or Schubert reading long and often quite drab books such as war and peace. I was a snob and looked down at others i viewed as having a lesser intelligence. I often walked with an air of confidence and snobbery. I took every opportunity to show off how i was so very much different to those around me. I had the audacity to wonder why people did not like me. Looking back now I can see why my peers tended to avoid me. I know that my present self would have sneered at such an atrocity. I truly was a bit of a bastard. Too caught up in my own  grandiose.

Anyway i hope you enjoyed me regaling you with the stories of my younger self.  Thank you and Goodbye.

Sleepless nights for a troubled teen

So you may have noticed that I have not made a post in a while. Don't worry I did not forget about you it's just every time I sat down to write a post I could not get the words to flow. They were there sitting, waiting to be released but it was like they being held back. Trapped behind a wall. I have noticed that about a lot of things lately. I use masks and deception as a coping strategy. I can often look and appear fine but really on the inside I am tearing myself apart. This can be a huge problem as usually it means that i often do not get the help I need.

Recently for me my past has been a huge problem. It is not something I can escape. Nightmares and flashbacks are becoming a common part of my day. The smallest of things can set me off. Little reminders of the past. Now this would be a whole lot easier if i knew what these triggers where and I could just try my hardest to avoid them. But of course life is never that simple. You see the thing is I do not know what could set me off. I am a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. And when that happens it is often violent. Now i am not a violent person in nature. In fact i utterly abhor the harming of another human being or creature. But I have no such qualms about myself. I am very well versed in different manors of self inflicted destruction. Drinking too much, cutting, smoking away my limited lung capacity, engaging in risky and often provocative behavior and starving my already weakened body. Now all of this adds up to a lot of problems both mentally and physically. I am not sure how much abuse my body can take before it gives up.

Now i'm sorry for such a depressing post. I promise you next time it will be much more cheerful but for now. So long and good night.