Rant about Sandyford

Hello. I am recovering from illness at the moment so this blog post may be a little bit hard to follow but anyway here we go.

So lately I have been thinking a lot about my transition to achieve a more masculine appearance. This is because this week for the second time in a row my appointment at Sandyford was cancelled. I am still feeling rather pissed off about this as it was in the start of January two years ago that my first referral to the clinic. My first appointment was in July of 2016. Over a year later. Now the amount of time taken to get to this point is a point of extreme distress to me. Especially considering i still do not know if i am eligible to be referred on to the medical team to get assessed by them. After two years I am at the point where i still have my final meeting to go to finish my initial assessment. My dysphoria has become gradually worse over this time as my body matures through natural puberty. I had a late puberty and only started developing a chest at 15. I started binding however at the age of 14 as i was terrified at the thought of growing breasts. Now that did fortunately alleviate my dysphoria but left me with crippling back and chest pain due to the fact i was binding unsafely with bandages. NEVER bind with bandages they are very painful and there is a high risk of breaking a
rib.

Now im going to go to sleep before i go on a non stop rant about the NHS. Thank you and Goodnight.

Religion and how other people can affect your opinions.

Hello. So yesterday i went to an activity with my friend Matt's church. Now if someone told me when i was a kid that i would later in life consider making going to church part of my life i would have laughed in their faces. In fact even now the thought of me attending church makes me nervous. That is because when I was growing up i was surrounded by anti religious people. Now this made me shun religion. It was only when i became good friends with Matt that i even considered trying church out. Now just because i am going to start going to church does not mean i am Christian. I just want to know what its about as I know that there are some people in my life for whom religion makes a great deal and i want to be able to support them in this.

Now that is enough for today. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Goodbye!

My obsessions

Hello! With season 4 of Sherlock out of the way I wanted to talk a little bit about my obsessions and how they can affect my day to day life. My obsessions can help me get through life. Whenever i feel sad or depressed i know i can turn to them to cheer me up.Now not all my obsessions are things i am particularly happy about having. Some of them I hate but it can be the only thing keeping me sane.

In my life i have had several different obsessions. The one that arcs over all of them is Sherlock Holmes. Ever since i was a toddler i have found sherlock to be very intriguing. I liked how intriguing his character was. I felt that i could relate to him very well. I have always felt like an outcast but when i read the book it would make me feel a little less alone in the world.  When I was about 8 years old I started to make my own mind palace. I wanted to make a visual guide to my brain. I wanted to organize my knowledge in a way that was easily accessible. When I saw that my hero Sherlock had the same method it made me ecstatic. To think that I was on the same wave length as my hero. Of course i did not call it my mind palace until I heard him call it that. Before then I never really had a name as I did not talk much as a child. I kept to myself a lot.

At the moment my current obsessions are youTube and HTML. I love coding and spend a lot of time working on it. The rest of my time is taken up with oh you guessed it youTube.

So I hope you enjoyed today's blog. Thank you and Goodnight

I hate mental illness

Hello. I'm sorry it has been a while since my last post. I hope you have had a good year so far and if not i hope that good days are to come. I myself have been in a not very good place. Now I if you have been keeping up with my blog then you will know that unfortunately this is a very common occurrence in my life. This time however it is different. I feel more trapped than ever before. With exam season slowly creeping up on me I cannot help but to feel a sense of dread and insecurity. I do not feel like I have the mental capacity nor the intelligence to get through them. I fear that I will have a breakdown on the day of my exam and inevitably drop out. There are too many variables. Too many things that could go wrong. This has been weighing on my mind for a while now and is something i am hoping to dispel. My personal insecurities have been with me long enough to know it is not however easy. I will always worry that i am not smart or strong enough.

Up until i was 14 years old I knew what my place on earth was. It was to look after my family.. I had to pretend to be strong for my family. I was always there to comfort them but never paid any heed to my own crippling mental health. Since then I have felt like I no longer have a place in the world. My job is done and now i am just trapped in a state of limbo. Unsure of the path ahead.

I wanted to share with you all this picture as I feel it is a very important thing to remember. I still have fond memories with many of the people whom have abused me and that is part of what makes it so hard for me to move on. You know that what they did was wrong but you cannot help but to think of the good times and really that is what tears me up inside.

Okay. I am going to finish up here. I hope you enjoyed reading today's blog post. Thank you.

Autism and Christmas

Hello everyone. Today I wanted to talk about Christmas and how me having autism effects my feelings about it. Now as always this is just my perspective and is not true for everyone with autism. I have autistic friends who love Christmas and the lights and the sounds but for me its not that fun.

One thing i hate more than anything else is the unknown. I struggle to do things if i do not know enough information. With holidays like Christmas I can feel nervous as it is very relaxed. I have no clue what time I will need to be awake at. I don't know what I will be doing in the day time. There are no scheduled times for eating. How much social interaction do i need to partake in to not be seen as rude and antisocial. Will someone try to hug me. These are all questions I have on my mind but I know that there is no simple answer. For the simple reason being some things cannot be predicted and when you have as big a family as my own there are too many variables. Anything could happen and that frightens me.

My sensory issues always have a field day around the time of Christmas as there are so many lights and sound. It can feel overwhelming and exhausting. Why must people put up bright, obnoxious lighting that are disorientating and migraine inducing. Even for a neurotypical person it must start to get a bit much to deal with. And don't get me started on the fire work crazed hooligans whom all seem to reside in my local area. Everything seems to be cause for celebration to them and when actual holidays come around they go insane. All hours of the night loud explosions can be heard. It makes me feel utterly homicidal.

I also hate the thought of any focus going on myself. It makes me feel nervous and jumpy. I worry that i will do or say the wrong thing. What if i upset someone. What if i freak out and everyone looks at me. So at times something simple such as opening a present can feel like you are trying to defuse a bomb infront of a live studio audience.

So this is my blog post telling you about all things i hate about Christmas. I hope you enjoyed it.

I HATE Holidays

So as you might have been able to tell from either the title or how much i love to whine about it. I HATE the holidays. I absolutely hate them. You go from having a busy but well balanced week to suddenly not having anything to do. Your sense of time is out of whack. I cant really remember what day it is. Everything is just merging together in a cycle of sleeping and messing around on my laptop. I could have been like this for months for all i realize. The whole world could collapse and i would not notice. Any attempt to make plans usually does not work out well on my part as im terrible at communicating with people so i will arrange to do something then completely forget to tell anyone about my plans. I am a professional now at hastily packing a bag and managing to forget every item of actual importance bar my laptop. I could have no clean clothes or binders but as long as i have my laptop im fine. My whole life is on my laptop. I play games, i read, write, anxiously stare at Facebook waiting for someone to reply to my constant streams of messages but mostly just watch netflix or youTube.

I am already counting down the days until the holiday is over. Why can't humans hibernate over winter then i could this done with a lot quicker. But knowing my insomnia i would probably just be one of the few humans to wander the earth as the world sleeps. So anyway i hope you enjoyed todays blog post. See Ya!!!

The Rebellious Teen years of the Classical Music Enthusiast

Being a teenager can be tough. It is a time of discovery and opportunities. It is a time to explore your inner self. Many teens go through a time of rebellion where they suddenly become interested in black clothes and punk music.

Now I myself did not go through that phase. Oh no. With me something very different happened. I turned into a pretentious douche bag. I often sat sulking in the corner listening to Bach or Schubert reading long and often quite drab books such as war and peace. I was a snob and looked down at others i viewed as having a lesser intelligence. I often walked with an air of confidence and snobbery. I took every opportunity to show off how i was so very much different to those around me. I had the audacity to wonder why people did not like me. Looking back now I can see why my peers tended to avoid me. I know that my present self would have sneered at such an atrocity. I truly was a bit of a bastard. Too caught up in my own  grandiose.

Anyway i hope you enjoyed me regaling you with the stories of my younger self.  Thank you and Goodbye.